I am realising now that I have been putting my trust in completely the wrong places. I have lost so many people from my life lately that I am in a real crisis as to whether this is a pattern I am facing. I have come out of relationship in which I really gave my all and placed my heart in someone else’s hands and attempted to build back my trust in men. I really thought it was a wise thing to do having worked on myself and my self esteem for a very long time. I had developed friendships with guys and become close to my stepdad allowing me to put myself into a position where I thought I could let someone in, both intimately and romantically.
Right now, it seems as though I am screwed again. I am spreading myself too thin only giving myself in one way or another; either my body or my mind but I don’t know how I will be able to give both again. It was one of the most difficult things I managed to do and to recover and rebuild after this is gonna be hard. I find it so easy to tell people about me but not connect with them in person or to meet up with people but keep myself a total mystery. I don’t know when I will be able to look at myself as a whole again now that I am in so many pieces.
I have lost the relationship I built with my stepdad and now find it so difficult to speak to him and reach out when I need it. It feels as though his relationship with my mother always means that we will never be that open with one another. I lost my best friend when he finally got the girl of his dreams and went off travelling with her not to be heard from again. I lost my boyfriend when he realised how screwed up I am and couldn’t deal with the emotional, suicidal person in front of him. I tried to be strong and confident but it was so difficult to maintain when I felt as though everything was crushing around me and I felt like this massive unwanted burden.
I don’t feel like myself anymore. I am not confident or strong or whole – even if it was all just a front before, then its gone. I feel so many things right now that it is unreal. I am heartbroken and hurt and lonely and falling apart over and over. I believed the people that said they would always be there for me and I allowed myself to become vulnerable only to be let down over and over. I wish I can a crystal ball sometimes or a way to touch a person’s hand and be able to tell what my future with that person looks like because at the moment it seems as though I am wrong every single time and it hurts so damn much.
There is only one thing that I know for sure. I push people away. I hate people getting too close. I hate it when you feel something for someone else. Loving scares me. I shake all night. I do not rest. I relive traumatic experiences. I scream. I cry. I shake. I sweat. I am restless. All night long. With no one to know. No one to see. I do not know what hurts more – loving or being unable to love. I still do not trust. I still ache.
I am not good at holding on. I let go. I let go of everything. Every few months, I decide that this is not me. I know that something is not right. I know that I have to get up and go. Just start again. Leave it all behind. I am only good for making messes. I wish I could care more. I wish there was more than just me. Love is gone from this body. It will come back. I will find it again, but not here. Not now. I am just not there yet.
I want to apologise to all the people that I have let go. To all those I did not fight for, because there was no fight left in me. I loved you, I really did. Maybe, I am selfish. The problem really is that I am a fighter, a survivor. I am trying to not let this world make me hate. The problem with that is I find hardly any room for love. Only love can drive out hate, though. That is why I am in such turmoil. Such despair.
I ache. I hate this pain. I want to put down this pain. It is worse than any pain I have had to endure. I am so close to giving up. I am strong, but I am so close to breaking. I do not trust people, because they are so quick to not trust you. To let you down. To not be there for you. Things change and then I will break. That is why I have to choose me and always choose me. I am not ready to break.
I have a bad history with men. From my dad to my stepdad to boys who wanted me for my body to men who took my body away from me to men who let me down and disappointed me to strangers who look at me like a piece of meat to those who break my trust. I assumed you were the same. I assumed until the point when another bad man entered my life, because I attract them apparently. Then I think I said something to you like this world is full of horrible people, but you are certainly not one of them.
My stepdad taught me that good guys are few and far between. He shows me what to look for. What a relationship can be. I have not found it though. I do not think it will be easy. I demand respect, compassion and understanding. I do not trust easily and I am of course terrified. I live my life fearlessly anyway. I inevitably end up in situations that I should not, because I am a mess who cannot always keep it together.
The thing is if I had been fine, if I had not froze, if I could have turned off my mind for just a second then I do not know what would have resulted. A part of me wishes that I had been ok, but I know that this is something I have to live with and not deny. I go through more nights of no sleep and I realise that I need this. I need the chance to trust. I needed you to say I do not want to have done anything to stop you from trusting men or that I had nothing to fear. I needed that reassurance so badly. I had never heard it before. Or when I had it had been lies. I needed someone to say those words, not in a I am trying to get you into bed kind of way, but in a genuine apology sort of way.
Things mess with me. Everything messes with me. There is so much hurt here. So much destruction and disaster. For a long time I have wanted to resolve my issues with men and here I am doing that. When I was hugged today and not let go of, like I was a child, like I was precious and important to my stepdad I realised – the trust does come after years of rain. I realised how good it felt and I always want to cry when I feel that goodness.
That is why life is a bitch to me. I want to be held not fucked. I want someone who desires me like Alaska. Who wants to lie and sleep and just let me be me. I will get there eventually. This is so hard to find. No one waits for me. The issues are not even deep anymore. They are right on the surface. Everything has come full circle and I talk so openly now. It does not bother me. Many have gone through worse and I know my limitations and am so self-aware. I handle things well and have overcome so many barriers from finally having sex again to opening up about my experiences.
I have changed so much. I have grown up. That child lives within me and will always live within me. I hold her now in the most special of ways. I hold her innocence in my heart and I keep loving until there is nothing left. Love was all I needed. All I ever looked for anywhere and everywhere. Now I know, love starts with me.
I can trust men again because I have resolved me. I know that I am confident and so aware of myself. I know my own worth and I will not settle for anything less than someone else who knows it too. No one can mess with me. It will be hard. This life is a mess and a challenge. Everything – all the issues. All the little things that pour out of me. All that I feed myself and tell myself, it helps me. I will never live in denial, I am strong and brave. More than you can ever truly realise.