Broken

I became scared

Because I am broken.

I know that I will be

This way for a while

Even though I try to

Slowly put myself

Back together, but

I hardly know who

I am anymore, when

All along I have been

Listening to them tell

Me who I should be.

What do they know?

I know myself – that

I am not irreparably

Broken, even though

I hear them calling me

That haunted word, I

Function with all of

The pieces that are left

Of me. They may have

Broken me, but they

Could never take what

Has been mine all along.

I am here now to claim

Back my territory

And stand my ground.

I may be scared, but you

Should be too, because

I will be fighting back

And I will be whole.

 

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Coward

I am a coward. I am scared of the truth. I am scared to write because the truth comes out. I am scared to die, because I do not want to forget to say goodbye to someone and destroy the rest of their life. I do not want to be selfish. I want to be strong enough to live, but whenever I gain strength, I always end up thinking that this time: I will be strong enough to die. This limbo of not knowing what takes more courage is painful. I want the pain to end. I try. I fight. I am strong. Why did no one tell me how to do it? Why did no one teach me? I feel so unequipped for this life.

I become so haunted all the time. Mistakes, regrets, what ifs….why do we do it to ourselves? Why can I not stop seeing the faces, the moments that cause nothing but pain? Why does it still hurt? Why do I want to stop so badly that I really would give up? What is this pathetic existence? It is not a life. I can tell you that. I am not living anymore. I am merely existing. I want to scream so loud for someone to come and save me, but no one is coming. I know that I am the only one to save myself. If I was not such a coward, maybe I could do it.

This pain is completely horrendous. Fighting everyday is exhausting. Faking that smile and pretending that you just got a bad night’s sleep when in reality you spent the night reliving every hurt over and over until you truly wished you ceased to existence. Then having to fight that feeling, whilst staring at yourself wondering how you got here, wondering how it all went so wrong. That is where I struggle. I tell myself, hold on for them. For the ones it will hurt, because no one should have this pain. Why can I not hold on for me? Why have I become so worthless, so unimportant, so meaningless that I feel I have nothing left but other people? How did this happen? I need to undo it….but where do I start?

Weight Of Living

My most listened to song ever is Weight Of Living by Bastille. For some people life is heavy. It definitely is not easy and I would not classify it as particularly hard, but life is beautifully complicated. Sometimes I just cannot shake the heavy weight of living. I cannot stand the person I have become and I cannot carry this life with no regrets. It all weighs me down as though there really is something around my neck dragging me down. There is a light though. There is always a light. There is always some positivity. Always some love. Some lightness. Some joy. That is what I love about this life.

I know I have no right to be angry when I listen to the way some people talk, but I definitely get angry. Rational thinking tells me not to be. I am human though. I have emotions, at least some of the time. They are what make all of us into who we are. Rational thinking tells me there are so many things I should not think and feel and do. Rational thinking helps me to get out of those deep, dark places. I am not always rational. We all have our downfalls. I listen to people’s very real but oh so fake problems. I listen to the boy who never called back or the dress that does not fit. I have been there, I have cried about those things too. So I have no right to be angry.

I am angry. I am angry because try being your own worst enemy. Try fighting with yourself every day. Try being mentally ill. Try having no one around to understand you. Try not being able to understand yourself. Try battling with issues like abuse, racism, sexism, mental illness, loss or anything bigger than a petty problem with an instant fix. Try handling something that you have no control over, that you cannot fix then tell me what a problem is. I do not understand how you can become so caught up in the small things, so wrapped up in your own little lives when there is so much more to deal with.

I have to deal with big problems all the time. That is why I cannot listen anymore. Listening to the little things, whilst stifling the screams inside of you, it is exhausting. I am mentally ill. I know how precious my mind is and that is why I have to protect myself. I try to avoid complaining. If I am not complaining about what is happening to me, then what do you have to complain about it. It is really awful. I have good days, of which I am grateful. I have bad days, where nothing functions as it should and I have to overcome more than you may realise, but I get on with it. I rarely complain about fighting the voices in my head or the urges I face. It is not fair. I know that for sure, but I am not alone in this. So I draw upon the strength and bravery of others and I do the same.

The key, for me at least, is not dwelling on the past or the future. I am trying to be present, in the moment. There can be times at which I fail. It can prove challenging in situations where you need to deal with the adult parts of life, like going to work and paying bills. I try my hardest to draw distinctions. I try to not control everything because you cannot. This also helps to conquer anxiety. I try to be calm. I try to think about why people are doing what they are doing. I show maturity. I know when to take myself out of a situation and if I do not handle the situation in time, it is my problem so I will deal with it and face any consequences. I am stronger than you may realise. I am also far weaker than you may see. I remain so strong for such a long time that people forget that I fall apart and cannot worry about myself at times when I really need to.

Life, it is heavy. Sometimes you cannot carry the weight. You can gain the strength, though. It is just like going to the gym. One day, you will be able to lift that weight with the training and hard work. It is the same for my mind. So I have every confidence that there is an end to this. There is a light. There is always a light.

Trigger Warnings

I read a post recently that explained why there should not be trigger warnings. To some extent I agree. Obviously, when it comes to sensitive audiences such as those to young or those who have recently experienced trauma, trigger warnings can be very helpful. However, I think that now, I almost never notice them. I see them often in all that I read and surround myself with. I think they have become almost ordinary to me. I think of what I have gone through and I see the words, but they are meaningless now. I think I have healed too much.

The post believes that we do not need trigger warnings, because it leaves us to avoid the feelings we do not want to feel. We end up not confronting or addressing something, if we do not want to. I chose to address everything. Even when emotions pour out that I do not want or think that I am not ready to deal with, I let it all come out. I allow myself to gain strength through addressing it. The idea of a memory-proximity mine can be just about anything. The places, smells, faces, things out there in the world do not come with trigger warnings. The emotions are just triggered and most of the time we cannot help it.

I believe that it is important to not be sheltered. I think that we should be facing and addressing our issues. Maybe it is because I am strong. Maybe others do not have the strength. At least for me, right now, everything I go through and every reminder makes me so strong. I do not think I could have lasted a day longer without addressing my issues. I think if I kept it all in, I would burst. I think if I discovered the truth inside of me, later on, people would understand less. I would have continued for so long feeling fraudulent. Not feeling like me at all.

I enjoy falling apart. It is always me who puts the pieces back together and it is pretty miraculous. I am no longer scared of living. Nor am I scared of dying. I am in a middle sort of bliss where I know now that anything can hit and nothing will be able to hurt me.

Mental Strength

I never used to know anything about mental illness. I never even realised that stress and depression were so common and could be so overwhelming strong, manifesting into physical symptoms. I did not think or know that I could ever suffer in such a consuming way. I have been hurt many times, but I never expected my mind to turn on me.

I have however learnt that it is possible to live with depression, stress or other mental illness. There are genuine steps you can take to cope and not just coping mechanisms such as drugs and self-harm. You can realise the signs. You begin to recognise causes and negatives. You understand the things which lead you to regress.

This week, I fell out with two of my closest friends. I knew how this would make me feel. Isolated. This scared me. When I am isolated, I turn to extreme measures. I cry out for help to anyone that is listening. However, yesterday I identified the problem and rather than writing something depressing that would make me feel worse, I decided to conquer all of it and then write how I did it. You see, this world and everything about it is all in how we perceive it.

So I identified the destructive beliefs in my mind. These come in three forms:

  • unhealthy beliefs about ourselves
  • unhealthy beliefs about others
  • unhealthy beliefs about the world

I was lacking the belief that I could conquer my feelings and that was not true. I doubted for a section. I thought that I would feel isolated if I did not have another person. Loneliness is just a sign that you are in desperate need of yourself. I also forgot that everything I need and have always needed is in me. It does not come from another. I am a whole, complete, perfectly designed person. I always question what made me this way. Why am I broken? Look at me, though. I am not broken. I am beyond strong. I am the millions of shattered pieces that I keep picking up along the way and dragging with me using all the strength I have. I do not feel sorry for myself. It may sound big to say, but I am in awe of myself and why should I not be? I am here to make my life and the lives of those around me better. I cannot do that if I am focusing on misfortunes, because they are a part of life and they made me.

The world does not owe us anything. Most people do not learn this early enough. They think that life is all about success and when you cannot achieve that, or your goals, you are left with disappointment. I do not believe in goals. It is all about the journey. I, of course, make plans, but I do not let them overwhelm me. If they are unattainable, it is not a disaster. It just means that there is another path for me to take, maybe far better. As long as I am continuing to learn and move forward, I remain positive.

I am still learning from when I was a child, being told I was irrelevant. I have never been good retaining my power. I always give it away. I let others put my down. I leave them to define my worth. I have choices, which I make and I accept the consequences, positive and negative, that they may bring. Most importantly, I do not regret. I do not look back, because I am human and I make mistakes. I will always work things out and apologise if I am wrong. I will always remind myself that nobody controls me. I am an adult, living in a free country and whilst I may not feel like one, I sort of have been for a very long time now. I have been the only one looking out for me and making decisions long enough to be mature. I take responsibility. There are no ‘have to’s in this world. That is my favourite thing to say after all – no. It may make them hate you, resent you, be disappointed in you, but no, it will make you strong. No is the step to deciding on your own. It is doing whatever you want to do. I am a free spirit. A wanderer. I am always told off for my random straying. I converse with strangers. I explore unknown places. I like to learn. I just do whatever feels right. Whatever I want and whatever makes me happy.

My happiness, it is impacted on my others and events and surroundings, but it is rooted deep within me. There is no deeply unhappy person here. There is no resentment. There is strength. Mental strength. The world gives and takes away. I have accepted that. It is no big deal to me, because this journey, this life, it is a special one. Not many learn and discover all that I have. Before, I know it, this life will be over and in the most gentle and slow of ways, I will have done all that I was intended to. I would have learnt and that thought, that makes me proud. I am grateful for this life, even if I do not say it enough. I am confident in my sadness, but there is no pity party here. There is acceptance. There is strength.

Hallowed Ground

“Inside of you is a lake.

Throw your shame into the water and drown it

because you do not have to be ashamed;

you are not broken.”

Two years ago, I used this poem as a way of telling someone what had happened to me. I still absolutely love this poem, but now I use my own words. I am so strong, I have grown.

It is pretty ridiculous was time can do. The way that we can heal. I read it now and do not think anything can explain my thoughts and feelings better. Nothing has changed. The events still occurred. I still have to work to keep my head up every day and remain strong. The words still make me cry. They make me cry because they have somehow gained more truth with the years. I always thought I was broken. I was ashamed. A disgrace. Now I know better. He may have wrecked me, but I gained defence. I gained strength. I am a different person now. I always will be. I miss the innocence sometimes, but when I hear that for some people it is years before they learn the harsh realities I am shocked. It only took me a few years and I knew. This world. This cruel and beautiful world. It was going to take as much as it gives me. That is life for you. It hurts like hell. Maybe I would not be so psychologically damaged and mentally ill. At least I am these things and aware of it. At least I am fighting back every day. At least I am armed to protect myself and know who to let in. Suddenly, it has found a new meaning. I do not walk around thinking these things define me, but I do hear the words: all the quotes and poems that give me strength.