So I just went through all my contacts and it was pretty shocking. I guess that I can be a hoarder in many aspects of my life. It seems that I like to see the best in people and I definitely give way too many chances. I went through name after name of people who I honestly believed would always be there for me. There was a time when I was so hopeful and so trusting that I relied on people. Now, people are just poison. As toxic as everything else in this world and cause just as much pain. I cannot trust people and I have no idea who is out there for me to rely on anymore. It is pretty true that everyone is wrapped up in their own lives. No one ever seems to have the time to notice you slipping away. It just happens so easily. I always tell myself that this is just life: getting rid of the old and making way for new things. Honestly, I am still waiting for the good things that I always hoped would come. I am still waiting for someone to care about me. How pathetic is that? To cry over all the people that I stupidly hoped would be more. I know that I was always asking for too much. Life has shown me that we cannot all have what we want.
Do you ever feel sad at the strangest of times for no apparent reason? And not just unhappiness but a full blown wave of sadness coming over you. It is painful and uncontrollable, so no matter what you do, you just cannot stop it and it leaves you aching, yearning, sore for something, but you have no idea what. That is sadness. That is the worst type of pain. Empty pain.
People ask you what is wrong or why you cannot smile. Honestly, you do not know. You only know that if you tried to, you might break. You need to just rest in the sadness for a moment, because you know it will pass. Maybe afterwards, you can figure it out. Embracing the sadness can help you realise what put you into that state and how you can learn from it, in order to grow.
I do not believe in fighting sadness or trying to be superficially happy. You walk around taking to people about such menial things that you just become angry. You place so much energy into laughing and trying to have fun that you become drained. Then you are frustrated with the people who let you cover up your sadness. All you really needed was to run into someone and fall apart, either with them or in front of them.