Broken

I became scared

Because I am broken.

I know that I will be

This way for a while

Even though I try to

Slowly put myself

Back together, but

I hardly know who

I am anymore, when

All along I have been

Listening to them tell

Me who I should be.

What do they know?

I know myself – that

I am not irreparably

Broken, even though

I hear them calling me

That haunted word, I

Function with all of

The pieces that are left

Of me. They may have

Broken me, but they

Could never take what

Has been mine all along.

I am here now to claim

Back my territory

And stand my ground.

I may be scared, but you

Should be too, because

I will be fighting back

And I will be whole.

 

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Family

I want a family:

A mother and father

Who care about me.

People who truly

Have my best interests

In their hearts.

Parents who do not

Push for the best grades

Or that I break world

Records, but ask

‘What do you want from

Your life?’ because the

Answers are fairly

Simple. I want love.

I want a family,

Honesty, respect,

People who listen to

One another and work

Together to achieve the

Best for each other.

I want it, crave it,

No matter how broken

Or dysfunctional,

I want it to work.

Someone

This is for someone who

Silently saves my life,

On an almost daily basis.

Someone who has no idea

What they are doing

By simply allowing me

To speak freely, selfishly.

Someone who I would be

Lost without, because

My mind would be filled

Constantly with no one

To turn to and I know

That would eventually

Eat me up entirely.

Someone who is there

With the right response

When I never expected

To speak to anyone.

Someone who surprises

Me, because it is not

Words that save but

Always acts of kindness.

So whilst I may be a

Nightmare to deal with,

Someone, you should

Know it goes noticed.

It is so noticed in fact

That I am living,

Breathing and even

Smiling right now.

Sometimes, it just

Takes someone to

Be able to bring you

Back from the darkest

Moments and when

That someone is

Always there, what

Do you even say…

Thank you seems

Too small to express

This level of gratitude.

Stay Away

Stay out of the way of

My anger and destruction.

Trust me on this one.

More than anything,

I need to save you.

You need to be kept away

From me – I am dangerous.

I fear myself, more

Than anything else out there.

I cannot control myself

Which leaves you in danger,

So get out the way and

Stay out of the way.

Get as far as you can away

Whilst you still can.

It has to be this way.

I only cause pain.

Please, just stay away.

 

Begin Again

Three failed attempts and now…

Now I am supposed to carry on as

Though everything is right in the world,

When lets face it, nothing is.

So I am still hurting, still dead inside,

Still struggling and that goes unnoticed

Or what, I try again, this time just to

Get the help that I need, just for

The attention that I am never given.

I pick up the phone and never dial,

Over and over again, because how do

You say goodbye – I was never taught,

I never got a single goodbye,

So now I just leave, silently also.

I become unable to ask for the help

That I so desperately need,

Still empty inside, I think there

Are no words left in me,

Apart from the poetry, there is always

The poetry, so I am living and instead

Of dying, I will run far, far away from

Here and just, begin again.

Friendship

Did you know that we would be friends?

I have insight, I always think I have

Special powers, but I am the crazy one,

After all. I knew. I definitely knew.

I knew everyday that I thought about you

Even though I never saw or spoke to you.

It is like being drawn to a person,

Without any inkling of the reasons why.

It happens with me a lot – my empathetic

Powers are always drawing me to people.

I trust it, more than any other part of myself

Because although it may seem insane,

Sometimes, my instincts are right. Sometimes,

A person responds…maybe you never see

Them again, but maybe you do and maybe

They change you, they help you, you grow

Together, watering each other. That is what

I know. I know myself. I know empathy.

I know connections and the power of people.

I know very clearly how I feel and people

Always wonder about that – how I became so

In touch with my emotions, but I fought, hard.

I fought to not shut down, to stay with this

World and to learn everything I could,

Including how to feel. Maybe that is why I am

So emotional, so caring, so invested.

I am a drowning soul in this universe, in

Search of all the other souls that I can save,

Just as I was saved, no one else should have

To drown, especially not within themselves.

I know intelligence, I know remarkable,

I know when you think you may not

Come across something again that you

Should grab it, hold it and if it lets go,

Then you accept it, but if it works then look

At what you achieved through your never

Letting go of a person: look at a friendship.

Brave

Sometimes I forget how brave I am,

I forget how much I do for others,

I keep smiling through the exhaustion

And it is exhausting. Pretending.

It is heartbreaking that the moments

Are so fleeting that they become

Unrecognisable. Unimaginable, even.

I keep going, keep pushing forward,

Figure that if I stay busy long enough,

It will not catch up to me, but it does.

It always does eventually. I am brave,

But I am broken, into so many more

Pieces than I even comprehended

When I began to pick them up, putting

Them all back together and realised

That I could not carry them on my own;

That I needed help. What a wonderful

Realisation. I think that is bravery.

Not faking it, after all these years and

Being strong enough to address your

Flaws and being willing to fix them.

That is me. Exhausted, but brave.

 

Birthday

I did not suffocate. Instead, I grew.

I am still growing. I am not deteriorating,

I am recovering, regaining my strength,

Taking back my mind. It is more powerful

Than you, all of you. You cannot break me.

I may never regain who I was, but who I am,

You will not take that away. So I am smiling

Because sometimes dreams do come true.

Birthdays pass as do the years and despite

Our fears, we remain intact, we are not broken.

My perfect day was spent outside and in

All the places that truly feel like home.

It was spent with those who care and whom

I care about more than they might ever realise.

It was spent celebrating life and living.

It was every breath suddenly coming so easily.

Realising that happiness is simple. Achievable.

It was songs – dancing, laughing and singing along.

It was photos that captured moments that I want to

Remember until the day comes when I will

Eventually die, but knowing that day is not today.

It was being freely me, ignoring the voices,

The thoughts, the judgements, all the hurt.

It was food, lots of food and one simple present

With one tear rolling down my face that said

I am so lucky, because I was taught that I do not

Deserve nice things, but this said to me that I do.

It said that good things do come, that tears are not

Always bad. I shared a silent moment with the sky

As the sun went down, saying thank you for the

Twenty-one years of my life. Thank you that

My heart is still adventurously beating.

Thank you that I do not know anything but

Happiness, gratitude and peace in this moment.

Thank you to all the forces that keep me going

And that I am still living, because it was not easy

To get here, but I am here, standing now in a place

Where the future actually seems imaginable.

Thank you to all the people I saw on this day.

Let them know how special they are, how loved

They are, because I want them all to know.

No one should ever go without knowing.

These people are what make me: for that I love them.

I am eternally grateful for my perfect day.

For happiness. For simplicity. For honesty.

I am grateful for a twenty-first birthday.

 

Death Wish

I wish I had died,

I wish that I had

Been stabbed at

Seventeen instead

And I had bled

To a slow and

Painful death.

Death would be

Easier than this,

Because it does

Not end you,

But you really

Wish it did.

You wish you

Were dead.

You want an

End to this pain.

You do not want

To have to be

Here and listen

To all the voices.

The pain.

The memories.

I would rather

Be dead.

I wish someone

Had come and

Killed me instead,

Because I am not

Strong enough

To kill myself.

That is why I am

Still here. Alive,

By accident.

Surviving,

Not thriving.

If it was easy,

I would do it.

It takes a lot of

Courage to do that.

I am too weak.

To do that to

Yourself and

Everyone around.

That takes strength.

So I wish I could

Be dead, please,

Someone, do it

For me, any way

You can, just end

Me, please.

I cannot carry

The pain.

I cannot live

Like this.