Forbidden Fruit

Since the moment I saw you I’ve been completely trapped

And you didn’t even know it cause I was a girl whose confidence lacked

I saw you afar across an audience then went home and fantasised

Hoping you weren’t the type of guy to have another girl in his eyes

Instead you’d come see me when I’m up late at night

Thinking about all the parts of you that I really like

From your hair to your eyes to everything below your clothes

Especially as you start revealing everything I want to know

Your skin looks so beautiful when you know I can’t see it all

And I keep wondering when we’ll just break all the rules

Cause I can’t help but want every part of you here

I wish I had the ability to comprehend all your fears

If I want you and you want me it should be simple

Cause I know you’d enjoy looking at my back dimples

As you slip it in from behind and make me ask for more

I think you and me would need at least another round or four

By now I think I know exactly what it is that you want

And most of it would involve me being on my front

But I’d like to turn to face you as well because those eyes and that hair

With your arms wrapped around me are enough for me to lose all cares

Stop talking to me about morals and bad behaviour

Because forbidden fruit can sometimes end in your favour

If it wasn’t meant to be we wouldn’t want it so bad

So stop denying yourself or you’ll make us both mad

So stop thinking so much about what we could have

When it’s all served up on a plate and ready to grab

No point in constantly tryna put up a fight cause I know you’re not uptight

So why not let me come over and we’ll get it all out of our systems tonight

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To Be List:

Someone suggested to me that instead of making to do lists, we should be making to be lists and thinking about what we would like to be and how to achieve this, but happiness is not the destination, it is the journey so instead of creating a whole bunch of tasks we are just going to overwhelm ourselves with and possibly not even be able to achieve, why not just focus on becoming the best possible versions of ourselves and the impact we can have on those around us, so with that in mind, here is my to be list:

  • Considerate
  • Respectful
  • Compassionate
  • Empathetic
  • Energetic
  • Kind
  • Loving
  • Relaxed
  • Content
  • Enjoyable to be around
  • Helpful
  • Reflective
  • Constantly learning
  • Self-aware
  • Organised
  • Positive
  • Trustworthy
  • A good friend

And possibly many more things so the list may continue to grow…

 

Dreaming of you

I try not to think of you

But I fail when I’ve slept

Because in my dreams

Is where you’re kept

So I awake to thoughts of

You as though you’re here

But when you have to go

I’m left in so much fear

Because reality seeps in as

I wipe the sleep from my eyes

And remember that you’re

Gone despite all my cries

Gone from my life cause

You left me here alone

And now I can’t even get

You to pick up the phone

For you were a dream

Until I remember

You were real and we

Had it good in December

You came along:

Every hope I’d ever had

And you were calm enough

To never make me mad

But just like that you disappeared

After so many words and kisses

That now it seems all you’ve got

Left for me is hostility and disses

And I keep seeming to go back

To you when I’m lost in my dreams

Then I know I’m no longer in control

But breaking at the seams

I wont admit how much I miss you

Because it’s not what’ll bring you back

Because you would have stayed

If there weren’t things that I lack

But you lack things too

So I knew our time was up

A little before we finally

Managed to breakup

I guess people hold onto to

A lot of things forever

And first love is just one of those

Things that you forget never

Despite your best efforts and

How much you keep trying

But you’ll be gone soon

Because we’re all just dying

So I await the day when

I’m not stuck dreaming of you

Because I honestly do

Understand that we’re through

But you were a lesson I had

To learn because no one

Can teach you until it’s

All over and done

So goodbye for now

I’ll see you tonight

When I lay down my head

And say goodnight.

Writing

Sometimes, I want to write to people. I want to tell them how they have made me feel, whether it has been good or bad. Yet, it is so hard to get your message across when you are faced with the reality and idea of them actually reading and knowing how you feel. I find my vulnerability so much more difficult when it is addressed to a particular person. I just feel myself falling apart and wanting to disappear and fall away.

I do not understand myself at all. How can it be so easy for a person to sit and pour out their emotions and difficulties to a crowd of complete strangers and online for anyone to discover, but struggle so much to address a single person and just be honest. I have so many failed relationships, friendships and family conflicts and I do not seem to be able to address what is preventing each of these things from not going successfully.

I wish I had the bravery I had when it comes to writing and creating. I wish I could really apply my vision and drive and channel it into something good instead of always being deep, dark and negative. I really feel lost and uncertain all the time at the moment and I wish I could just resolve all my issues with a snap of my fingers. I guess life does not exactly work like the so I just have to be patient and try to get through it all one step at a time.

For someone important

I never saw us being friends cause you were beautiful,

Into fashion, glowing with jewellery and makeup,

I was simple, into meditation, nature, exercising and

Never thinking how much time my face would take up,

So the way we are with each other now makes me

Pretty happy to know that looks can be deceiving,

Because our bond is something so special that now

I cannot imagine either of us ever leaving.

You are my family, the sister I choose to have

And that is how I know, come rain or shine,

No way am I ever letting go, I’ll be by your side

I promise you, our days together will be just fine.

You prove to me that it doesn’t matter how long

You’ve known somebody you can still show up

For all the ocassions that are important to them

Whether it’s performances, hospitals or a breakup.

I feel so lucky to have such a light in my life

You brighten my days with your stories and words

Even if we’re just sharing pain and heartbreak,

I still feel as though I can conquer the world,

Because it makes it easier to have a friend like you

Even though it took me a long time to see:

Our similarities are undeniable despite what

Our appearances might make us out to be.

So now I know what you are to me, you’re more

Than just beautiful for your hair and your looks

You’re the beauty I needed to understand why

We are here and everything we put in our books.

Together we made it up on that stage and I’m

Endlessly proud of you for tackling each day,

You give me a reason to smile and a sense of purpose

So no matter what, don’t you ever go away.

Karma

Karma is your alarm going off

In the middle of your performance

Instead of somebody else’s.

It’s having an old lover come over

Then him not being able to stay hard

When just one week before you

Left another guy lying there hard

All night whilst you slept beside him

Cause you thought you’d sorted him

But apparently you’re just that hot

That he couldn’t get over it –

But why don’t you call me beautiful

Instead of hot or sexy or spend

Longer kissing me before you

Make your way down my body,

Because maybe then I’d feel more

Special and let you stick it in.

Why do you come over to talk

About words and poetry but never

Read to me or write about me

When I’m always considering you,

Feeding you what you’d like to hear

(Or maybe not, how would I know)

Since I’m vulnerably honest but I know

I’ll never perform with you there

Because that would make me more

Nervous than my alarm going off

In the middle of my performance

Because I like you a lot, but

Karma’s a bitch, if you didn’t know

And I haven’t been that nice so

Look now how I’m lost in a crush.

Does it get easier?

I got asked if it ever gets easier. All that I realised is that I was last upset just today. I do cry but the thing is you realise that there is more shit than good in the world. You learn that with time it stops hurting simply because it becomes replaced by something else that hurts more. Life does not have the time to stop or slow down for any of us, it just keeps moving forward, whether we are ready to move with it or not and as it carries on we realise that you are growing away from whatever it was that was hurting you in the first place even though you are maybe hurting even more from something else, but sometimes it could me something smaller and easier to deal with.

Although sometimes, you trace it all back with more and more becoming triggered. I try not to sit and dwell on the past these days, because we need to work on our ability to forgive rather than going over it and knowing that we will never forget because the pain and memories are even more clear than we thought they might be. I have resolved myself to keeping some things close to my heart inside and pushing some to the back and darkest parts of my brain. Both kinds will resurface in their own way but we realise that over time we are more well equipped to recognise and deal with the challenges that come our way.

Whether it is loss, grief, heartbreak, defeat, self-loathing or a crime of some kind. I only know one thing for sure: It might not always get better but it does get easier.

My opinion of you

My opinion of you is pretty simple,

I sit thinking of you as hours pass

And I know that you mean

Something different to the last.

Life changes sometimes in

Mysterious ways

And knowing I could not be here

Makes me want to change my ways.

So thinking of you,

I think about compatibility,

Chemistry and other important

Characteristics to me.

Because it’s important to know

What you want, it makes

The searching easier and

Your feelings grow more fond.

But it hurts me bad when

I know you don’t feel the same

Cause thinking of me,

You hardly see my brain,

You only notice the shell,

The looks that are fleeting,

So I begin to think that we

Ought to not keep meeting,

Because beauty is found

Far deeper within and

You don’t get to use me

Like all the others did.

Don’t look at me that way,

Don’t talk to me so crude,

I’m saying it cause of self-respect,

Not because I’m a prude.

My opinion of you, that I thought

Was simple,changes quickly with

Every moment that I’m sat

Thinking of you.

Recovery

It is funny how things play out, you might think it is a disaster and nothing will fall back into place but then they surprise you. Things are not always as they seem, like an accident could not possibly be a blessing in disguise, but I think maybe mine was. Being suicidal is this funny, unexplainable thing that you really have to experience to understand. Then suddenly, I was hit by a car and everything changed. I realised how much I valued my life. I realised there were people I missed that I wanted to see more of and people that I had not let know their importance.

The reason I feel blessed is because I have reconnected with family, managed to leave a job I hate and see who really is and is not there for me in terms of my close friends. I think I realised for the first time how much I genuinely value myself and this body that I live in. I have stopped feeling inadequate and started to appreciate the fact that I get to still be here and have so much still to give. I feel blessed that my recovery has not been as challenging as I thought it might me and the support around me has been plenty.

Regardless of what it is that you are trying to work your way around and recover from, I think it is always a similar journey. You do not always succeed straight away, regardless of what part of your body has been damaged; your mind, your heart, your soul or your frame.  Getting into a positive frame of mind has been surprising for me, because it is not an aspect of myself that I have ever really known or embraced. But it is here now and I plan to hold on to it and keep working and fighting towards my goals.

“Recovery: It will be challenging. It will also be worth it. You will relapse and that’s ok, as long as you keep fighting.”