I am realising now that I have been putting my trust in completely the wrong places. I have lost so many people from my life lately that I am in a real crisis as to whether this is a pattern I am facing. I have come out of relationship in which I really gave my all and placed my heart in someone else’s hands and attempted to build back my trust in men. I really thought it was a wise thing to do having worked on myself and my self esteem for a very long time. I had developed friendships with guys and become close to my stepdad allowing me to put myself into a position where I thought I could let someone in, both intimately and romantically.

Right now, it seems as though I am screwed again. I am spreading myself too thin only giving myself in one way or another; either my body or my mind but I don’t know how I will be able to give both again. It was one of the most difficult things I managed to do and to recover and rebuild after this is gonna be hard. I find it so easy to tell people about me but not connect with them in person or to meet up with people but keep myself a total mystery. I don’t know when I will be able to look at myself as a whole again now that I am in so many pieces.

I have lost the relationship I built with my stepdad and now find it so difficult to speak to him and reach out when I need it. It feels as though his relationship with my mother always means that we will never be that open with one another. I lost my best friend when he finally got the girl of his dreams and went off travelling with her not to be heard from again. I lost my boyfriend when he realised how screwed up I am and couldn’t deal with the emotional, suicidal person in front of him. I tried to be strong and confident but it was so difficult to maintain when I felt as though everything was crushing around me and I felt like this massive unwanted burden.

I don’t feel like myself anymore. I am not confident or strong or whole – even if it was all just a front before, then its gone. I feel so many things right now that it is unreal. I am heartbroken and hurt and lonely and falling apart over and over. I believed the people that said they would always be there for me and I allowed myself to become vulnerable only to be let down over and over. I wish I can a crystal ball sometimes or a way to touch a person’s hand and be able to tell what my future with that person looks like because at the moment it seems as though I am wrong every single time and it hurts so damn much.



I just watched a film that was nothing that I expected it to be. Recently, I have seen so many films and TV shows beginning to address real issues. People have begun to speak out more and more and that is encouraging scriptwriters to do the same. Childhood and teen shows are no longer artificial, superficial perfect storylines; there are raw and real. Mental health and suicide are continuously being looked at in terms of LGBT, bullying and parenting. We are seeing more and more of what is wrong in this world coming out.

This film further outlined and spoke to me about the fact that social media and technology is no bad thing. It was about the relationship between two people via video calling. It showed how you can reconnect with people that you thought were lost, who you might never see again. A guy discovering his sexuality with no one to talk to and a girl living a different life in public to the one at home. One person reaches out and suddenly, you are not alone in this world. You have a reason to carry on. A reason to live. You have someone that you can talk to, day in and day out.

I realised that everyone has a story to tell. Everyone is desperate for something. That is why it is so important to be kind. To listen to the needs of others. To never attack people from behind a computer screen by saying things that you would never say to someone’s face. So many people are mean and hurtful for no reason. We are so quick to judge, before putting ourselves into somebody else’s shoes. We turn a blind eye over and over again to the evil in this world. We forget about the men who would hurt their own daughters, the parents who cannot accept their sons sexuality, the kids that will say mean things about someone just because they are different and the ones who are so often left crying themselves to sleep.

I am appreciative for films like this one. I am appreciative for anything that gives me that glimmer of hope. That shows me the light at the end of a very dark tunnel. Sometimes I am very depressed and I am unsure why or how to overcome it. I stay under my duvet, not wanting to face the world. Sometimes, you just put on a random selection for background noise and find it is exactly what you needed to encourage you to continue with your day. To be strong. To be hopeful. To believe that good things are coming.

New Year, Same Me

As the new year approaches, I suppose I have come to realise that I do not wish for a fresh start or a clean slate. I am incredibly proud of the person I have become this year and all the obstacles I overcame. This year has taught me more than I ever thought possible and I feel more mature and hopeful than ever. Upon reaching the end of this year, I see that I do have a future and it may even be a good one. I do not wish to change or undo this person I have become or the insight that this journey has given me. I simply know now that we must go through the darkness to really appreciate the light. So although my year may have started out as an extremely bleak one and descended into the darkest period of my entire life, I am no longer in the dark. I am in a place of new discoveries, kindness, where good things happen and dreams may even come true. Despite the way that the festive season made me feel, rehashing old memories and feelings, I had the mental strength, capacity and support to overcome the negative and stay hopeful. So this new year, I suppose I am setting a goal for myself to be the person I have become and not be that person that I was ever again. I like this one a lot more and I believe others do also. So I hope this inspires you to think about the changes you would like to see, because maybe there are none. Maybe you have come further than you could have ever possibly imagined so I would say hold onto that. There is nothing bad about progress, no matter how small or slow and it certainly does not matter when.


I hate the days

When the tears

Just don’t stop

The days when

You hurt so much

More than you

Know you should

But everything

Just overwhelms

You to the point

Where you start

To break again

All I am is broken

Pieces held into

Place by friends

Who have become

So much more

Because the hurt

Makes you feel

So alone and

Afraid until you

Have someone

To share it with

Speaking Out is Important

I recently came to realise how important it is to be vulnerable and honest. Sharing your story can in fact be extremely helpful to others. It is actually both beautiful and inspiring to speak out and let everyone know how ok it is to not be ok. I was slightly terrified, but also so proud to speak on behalf of the artidote about my personal experiences. This was a story that I felt should be told. I have heard so many people saying how negative social media is, particularly amongst young people. However, it has definitely always been a source of positivity for me; something that is always there at my fingertips (quite literally) and has allowed me to find hope where I believed there was only darkness.

This community has been with me and there for me countless times and the strength of the artidote really speaks for itself in everything it does. From the quotes and pictures that brighten our day to the saving of so many lives, not just my own. This was my way to gain strength to speak out and finally become proud of putting my name onto everything that I talk about and share. It was my way of really knowing that I am not alone.

Invigorated. Impressed. Inspired.

Today, I walked around the streets of Camden to ask people’s opinions on a slightly controversial book, milk and honey. This is a book close to my heart, as well as a New York Times Bestseller. So naturally, I was quite curious about how it is received by a variety of people.

Upon stepping out onto the streets, everyone look quite stressed and on a mission to go about their days. Once I had reached the high street, I overheard an American couple speaking to their daughter. I approached the mother first, who had no interest in speaking to me. I could have been disheartened at being shot down straight away. However, her daughter quickly approached me and put a massive smile onto my face. She was a young woman, who told me that she was studying abroad with Boston University. She amazingly spoke out and said, “It was given to me by my sister. It brought tears to my eyes as we have both been sexually assaulted. It gives power to women even though we have suffered so much outlining everything that a woman has been through – heartbreak and such.” I was so impressed with her bravery and the strength and determination she had when speaking to me, disappointing her parents who quickly left her behind. She took a piece of my heart with her as she entered the underground station and had to depart so quickly. All I could think was that my heart aches for women helping women and that Rupi would be proud.

Next, I stepped into Urban Outfitters who I knew were a stockist of the book. Upon entering, there was a couple in the home section browsing scratch maps. I asked them what this book meant to them, to which they responded with asking what it meant to me. I said that it was one of my favourite books and the reason for my first tattoo. At this point they were more interested in speaking with me and the female said, “I have seen it on tumblr, instagram, pinterest, weheartit and other social media. It looks pretty good, I didn’t know what it was but just saw what people liked from it.” For her partner, he had seen it for the first in the store and decided to pick it up and have a browse through it. He then said, “It looks pretty deep.” and added that “It must be pretty big.” whilst looking at the text that said New York Times Bestseller written on the bottom of the book.

A male employee at Urban Outfitters was also happy to speak to me about the book. He was aware that it was sold in the store and said, “I know about it and the second book which has just come out. It’s quotes about life, positive thinking…proverbs of some sort.” He was interested in taking a further look at both books. A female employee then was also interested in me wondering around the store, with this fascinating and famous book. She said, “I haven’t read it, but I know it’s really popular. I’ve been curious though.” Upon opening and browsing the book, she added,”It’s raw, real and about issues that everyone goes through (although when I say everyone I mean women).”

There were three young German females walking along, who were happy to stop, especially as they wanted to practice their English. However one stepped back whilst I spoke to the others as she had very little English. One said, “It’s not so full and looks good because of the drawings.” with the other adding, “The sentences are worth thinking about.” I was very appreciative of people who were willing to look at and read a book that was not in their native language, with the images being what spoke out most to the three of them.

Finally, I saw a female, shop assistant who was handing out sale flyers in front of a vintage store. I approached her to ask how her day was going with people ignoring her as she attempted to lure them in to buy second hand clothes. As I handed her the book, the first thing she did was take a photo of the cover whilst saying, “I’m interested”. Upon opening the book onto a random page, she commented, “Aww, that’s good. I love the drawings as well – it’s so crude. It’s a bit selfish whilst not caring about yourself. It sort of says give me everything and I love that.” As she was very interested, I pulled out the second book to which she responded, “My friend told me about that one, it’s really good.” Our conversation flowed and I could have spoken to her for such a long time as she continued, “I love reading books about feminism that aren’t what people think feminism should be. People call me a Feminazi – but if I was, he would be dead. However, I am quite a strong feminist. But I mean I don’t go to bars in low cut tops to get cheap drinks. I hate when my friend says I’m a feminist then lets their boyfriend treat me like shit. My boyfriend treats me like a queen and I treat me like a king.”

To top this off, I walked back to Bauer Academy with a swing in my step and a smile on my face which grew and grew as I saw the Coca-Cola Christmas van with people dressed up as Santa and free cans of coke. I was invigorated, impressed and inspired.

It all starts with a conversation…

Being that today was the first day of a creative writing course, I thought I would try something a little different. So I am going to think about the impact of everything I have learnt today on my evening. First of all I wished to discuss some ideas and found a way to explore, finding a possibly very important connection in terms of my career ambitions. As today was the first time I had ever read TimeOut magazine, I felt a duty to act on the information that I had discovered about London. So I decided I would go to the Oxford Street Christmas lights switch on, despite my fairly Scrooge outlook on Christmas. I decided to go, despite the fact that the people I attempted to persuade to go with me had been uninterested. I remained inspired to fall back in love with a city that had been so cold for me and a time that had been hard previously. So off I set into the rainy and gloomy London evening, stopping all to quickly upon arrival at a couple of my favourite stores before reaching the underground station. The importance of these being that H&M always allows me to fondly remember my time in Sweden and Urban Outfitters is a place of calm and creativity for me. The clothes inspiring new outfits, events and occasions; the books inspiring new ideas, topics and areas for further exploration; the music allowing me to discover the unknown yet always feel comfortable and able to vibe with whatever is playing.

Finally leaving Camden, I set off for Tottenham Court Road station and continued an ongoing search for a black cardigan. The search is as yet still unsuccessful, however my walk was not. I find something extremely defiant about walking in the rain as though I am making a point to myself and others, that the rain need not change your walk; it can be just as purposeful, meaningful, steady and insightful. I like to walk as though the rain is a friend, showering me with gifts. I like to look around, as I would do on any other walk and not be tempted to face the ground on my walk, but rather face the world. The world showed me a lot. It showed me that Harry Potter is still as big as when there were new books and films to look forward to. It showed me that the world is becoming more open, with a mixture of age, sexuality, ethnicity etc. exploring and embracing the Christmas shopping season. It showed me that old can become new again when I saw a Matalan on Oxford Street. Most prominently, it showed me that no evening is as dark and gloomy when the street is lit with Christmas lights.

Although my feet may be hurting, my smile is wide. I stepped out of my comfort zone, allowing myself to be open to the world. Ideas entered and passed through my mind with no part of me feeling out of place or overwhelmed. In fact, I found things that I can confidently say seemed right up my street. I felt satisfied from the salted caramel cookie dough to the dancing can’t touch this poo emoji as well as all the quirky gifts scattered around a variety of stores. If anything, all that I am left to feel now is a hope. A hope that this Christmas may be unlike the others. Walking round the stores I began to think of the perfect gifts for those who are important to me. I began to think that I would like to make an effort this year, because I have someone that I love and I have an idea of a project to begin working on that would be ideal for him. I am excited for a Christmas with the family I have lost touch with and the friends I have gained. I am even excited for the shopping, but more so for the looks on faces when presents are opened. After all, one thing that Christmas has always been about has been giving. Giving to those less fortunate, giving to those I care for most dearly and giving to those I wish to show my appreciation to as the end of the year approaches. I have never been all that excited for all the time off that families spend together or the mountain of gifts or the decorations. However, I have always been excited to bake the cakes and wrap the presents and make people laugh. So I have decided that this year, in order to cope with Christmas, I will not stuff myself with food or drown myself in alcohol, but instead focus on the good.


To every person out there who has been harassed, groped, molested or sexually assaulted, I want to tell you that your pain is real. That hurt is real. It was wrong and it was NEVER your fault. If you can speak of it, that is so brave of you. If you are not ready to talk about it, you are still very brave for surviving it. Such incidents happen so regularly that they sometimes become accepted as a way of life. We cannot let that be so. Please do not let it break you. You are LOVED. You are STRONG. And I hope today you feel a little less alone in dealing with those painful memories. Because #MeToo

Recently, following the allegations made against Harvey Weinstein, social media has begun to highlight the scale of sexual assault. Someone suggested that if all the women who have been sexually harassed and assaulted wrote ME TOO as a status, we might give people a sense of the magnitude of the problem.

I have seen so many of these messages since this was written and even I was amazed by its magnitude. I was amazed by guys who admitted that they were a part of the problem and messages I received. Some behaviour is just really not acceptable and it is not always about telling girls how to empower themselves – it is about teaching everyone, no matter their gender about respect and equality. It is about basic human rights.

The message I wish to spread is simple: “If you’re someone who’s suffered through sexual assault, know this: You are worth so much. You are brave. Don’t be afraid to tell your story. You are a survivor and a warrior.” After all, they say that every time you speak out loud, that pain becomes a little less, the burden is slightly less heavy and you realise that actually you are not alone. The grip of this story on you is not as tight, because you are strong enough to speak fearlessly and empathise with others. That is something nobody can ever take away from you, because they have already taken too much. Remember to take back your body, stand your ground and never let people believe that any of this behaviour is acceptable.

Dear Me…

I am very proud of you for working so hard and achieving your goals. You have a really amazing support network of family and friends and you continue to help people everyday. I want you to always remain selfless and humble and never get ahead of yourself. I think that the best strengths you have that will always carry you through are your ambition, bravery, perseverance, compassion, kindness, helpfulness, selflessness and awareness for this world around you. Remember to always be kind and help others and you will remain as proud of yourself as you are today. Forgive people, but also remember to forgive yourself, because no one is perfect, but we learn every day from all our mistakes in order to keep growing and becoming even better.

Dear Future Me…

Right now, I want you to be proud of yourself. I know that is not an easy thing for you to do, but you are at a point in your life where you have overcome so much. You are brave and strong and I never thought that I would still be here. Despite all the struggles with depression and anxiety, you made it and you are now a university graduate. No one would believe that you were the girl bullied at school an beaten at home, who cried herself to sleep every night. You are now a positive ball of energy, who gives off an aura and helps people. You are someone who is kind, willing and passionate – there is nothing that you cannot overcome. You have an incredible group of people around you who will provide support . You should know that there is no limit to what you can do. I want you to trust and believe in yourself . I want you to know that you are enough and to have confidence to tackle any challenges and get the most out of this life. You can do it.

I will always love you.