I am realising now that I have been putting my trust in completely the wrong places. I have lost so many people from my life lately that I am in a real crisis as to whether this is a pattern I am facing. I have come out of relationship in which I really gave my all and placed my heart in someone else’s hands and attempted to build back my trust in men. I really thought it was a wise thing to do having worked on myself and my self esteem for a very long time. I had developed friendships with guys and become close to my stepdad allowing me to put myself into a position where I thought I could let someone in, both intimately and romantically.
Right now, it seems as though I am screwed again. I am spreading myself too thin only giving myself in one way or another; either my body or my mind but I don’t know how I will be able to give both again. It was one of the most difficult things I managed to do and to recover and rebuild after this is gonna be hard. I find it so easy to tell people about me but not connect with them in person or to meet up with people but keep myself a total mystery. I don’t know when I will be able to look at myself as a whole again now that I am in so many pieces.
I have lost the relationship I built with my stepdad and now find it so difficult to speak to him and reach out when I need it. It feels as though his relationship with my mother always means that we will never be that open with one another. I lost my best friend when he finally got the girl of his dreams and went off travelling with her not to be heard from again. I lost my boyfriend when he realised how screwed up I am and couldn’t deal with the emotional, suicidal person in front of him. I tried to be strong and confident but it was so difficult to maintain when I felt as though everything was crushing around me and I felt like this massive unwanted burden.
I don’t feel like myself anymore. I am not confident or strong or whole – even if it was all just a front before, then its gone. I feel so many things right now that it is unreal. I am heartbroken and hurt and lonely and falling apart over and over. I believed the people that said they would always be there for me and I allowed myself to become vulnerable only to be let down over and over. I wish I can a crystal ball sometimes or a way to touch a person’s hand and be able to tell what my future with that person looks like because at the moment it seems as though I am wrong every single time and it hurts so damn much.