So many people thing that suicidal thoughts are just this simple thing you can overcome. They think that depression is a state of mind and you can just choose to be happy. Well, they are ignorant. It is not easy to be this way. It is a continuous battle. Unfortunately, there are only two options here – win or die trying. I am suicidal. I always think that maybe I am no longer suicidal as the days pass since the last suicide attempt and there are no plans for another in the near future. I wonder why I do it…do I want love? attention? is it to end the pain?
I can be happy for a while. I smile. I laugh. I talk to people. I go outside. It just suddenly goes away with no explanation and the thoughts are there. Actually, I think they are always there. I do not think they ever go away. I think that there are simply distractions so that you do not notice them. I live too dangerously to not be suicidal. Even in my happy moments, I am pushing limits. I think that is what being suicidal means. Taking too many risks knowing full well the dangers. Not living. I feel as though I am merely existing. It is a little tragic. It is all that I know now.
I hope to one day break the cycle. To be able to say that I will never go back to contemplating suicide, because I have so much to live for. Every time I say it now, I know that it is true, but it just will not sink in. I can never believe it. I tell myself that this is only temporary. One day, it will stick and I will be so glad that I held on. If I die though, I do not think it is some kind of crime. I can honestly say that I do not know whether it takes more strength to die or to hold on. Either way, I am trying to be strong. I will see where that lead me.