Habits

At the assessment, the woman asked me if I feel as though I deserve nice things. I did not completely understand what she meant by this. I guess there is only one thing I want. I never ask for presents or material things. So she said do I shop and buy things for myself. I told her that I spend time in second hand book shops, charity shops and holes in the wall. They are safer, quieter. They have the nicest people. They have conversations. More importantly, they have a whole world of adventure. Things that have had another life. Things that were tossed aside, but deserve a second chance. Things just like me. So I told her that I suppose I do not deserve nice, new things. I will probably wreck them. But I believe that these old things are deserving of me. I believe that they will have another chance. Live another life. That we can help each other. That my experiences from being in the shop to owning something for the rest of my life, makes me happy. I suppose that many people do not understand. To them, these things are old and used. To me, I am old and used. Everything deserves a second chance. Everything has a deeper meaning when you look beyond the surface. Like when I read a second hand book and come across the scribbles amongst the pages. I suppose I do it with everything. Even in a supermarket, I look at the reduced section for the things that will otherwise be thrown away. I do not like waste. I think, those plants or animals were alive for a purpose and now they are just waste. I do not want to be waste. So they should not either. It helps in the long run, I suppose I shop a lot. Things and food make me feel good, plus I am saving money too. She told me that it was extremely nice, beautiful in fact. I was shocked. This is the only thing I clearly remember. Her response to everything else was negative emotions. Sadness. Disappointment. Anger. Grief. Loss. Hurt. Pain. Rejection. But my habits. They are nice. Unusual, but nice.

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2 thoughts on “Habits

  1. This is beautiful! To give another chance to something. Do you also name things? Plants, blankets, my car…those have a personality and names. One of the best things about used bookstores is finding something inside the book. Photos, postcards, ticket stubs, all these things show a previous life I’m getting to experience on the fringe. Stories I don’t know anything about and can wonder- Thank you for looking out for the unloved bits in the world and giving them love!

    Liked by 1 person

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