I nearly died. I guess it is important to say that rather than pretend it never happened. That is what I am doing. Telling no one. Carrying on as normal. Being seen to participate in the social world so that no one even questions it.
Dying did not bother me. I just sort of accepted it as a reality. I am fascinated with what it would be like. Then I read a quote: ‘Death must be so beautiful. To lie in the soft brown earth, with the grasses waving above one’s head, and listen to silence. To have no yesterday, and no tomorrow. To forget time, to forgive life, to be at peace.’ I guess that it is all sort of a lie though. We do not know what it will be.
I was not bothered until I heard the words. Liver failure. Then I thought, that is what my died from. I do not want to be like him. He was a disappointment. He gave up. He left me behind. He got to escape from this hellish existence and that was not responsible. That hurt. I do not want to be that. I may feel like a disappointment now. I am ashamed. I know, however, that I am human. So I will make mistakes, but you are defined by how you overcome times like these.
So I do not tell anyone. I get help. I overcome it, anyway I know how. I do not want sympathy or pity. I want that vitality back. It will come. They can help me. That it something I am sure of. It may be unhealthy to shut off like this, to pretend, to increase the fairness. It may weigh on me, but I know that soon I will have someone to talk to and soon I will get better.
I just thought that since I have this here, I will tell it to the blank world of the internet that is my coping mechanism. That is far easier than trying to say anything out loud.