Core Memories

I think about memories a lot. I try to be mindful, but of course things still come and go. I am aware that the film inside out is not based on science, however I like the analogies is this film a lot. Most of what I am going through involves growing up. It involves maturity and becoming an adult. I think I love that film, because I have core memories. I have places I go to find an inner happiness and I have the sad ones too. That is what makes a person after all. The worst moments in our life build us into who we are. Every single time I pick up all my pieces and pull them back together, I find they have changed and I have grown. I may learn my lessons from the sad memories, but I draw my strength from the happy ones.

Of course there are times, when I have been put down and those words remain. There are times when people hurt you. For me though, happiness is so simple. It is swinging into the air, without a care in the world. It is knowing that things are falling apart, but holding your mind together, for once. It is the feeling when you start to laugh with no reason why, other than that your body is reacting to being unable to contain the joy. It is the contagious feeling of laughing. How once you have started, you do not want to stop. It is how nothing makes sense, but you just let it be, let it pass. I felt free. Free of its grip. Nothing could catch up with me. No destructive thoughts. No destructive people. The power of a laugh like that is remarkable. When you light up from the inside and it radiates throughout you until it has to escape. The release that comes before a balance of emotion.

I love that feeling. I want to bottle it up, like they do in inside out and keep it at the core of me. I want to put it right there next to the sadness and say to it look at how you can be defeated. Look at the balance. Look at what a complete human I am. You do not know when that joy is going to come again. You do not want it to ever end. You know how precious that moment is. That is what they miss out about suffering and pain. You are fortunate, in the end. You overcame it. You have the strength to beat it. Whilst it may be a long way away, for so many of you. That light breaks through all the time. We all get there in the end. When you get to taste so much goodness that it overwhelms you. When you learn to recognise the good and bad, that is powerful. Those are the moments I love.

I write down my core memories. I need to keep them. I need to know and be reminded constantly of the love that is out there. Of all the people who changed me. Who taught me. Who enriched my life in more ways than they could possibly ever know. I draw on that strength. Today, I am strong. I keep finding that laugh sat there on that swing. I feel it, running through my veins even though I am not laughing. I let it take over and suddenly the hard things become easy. I am eating and smiling and typing and it does not feel like a challenge. It feels like I am laughing through it. It feels like life is beautiful. It feels like it is alright. Those moments are why I love memories.

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