I feel good today. Really good. Like I slept without worry or invasive thoughts. Like I got up ready to start the day. Like my body feels good and training went well. Like I ate until I was satisfied and then stop. Like I cooked my meals for the day. Like I took 20 mindful minutes to be calm and focus. Like I feel mentally strong today.
I start counselling in 2 weeks time. I also will see the doctor and find out about my blood tests and a mental health referral. I do loads of little brain training exercises now. I am a big fan of meditation. It feels good to focus on the present. My present is good. It is amazing. It is sunny. I am fit and healthy. I feel good about myself when I think about the present. You find that when you are caught up in planning the future or stuck in the past, everything escapes you. I have no idea where I am going or what I am doing, but I am getting through every single day. That is what is most important. And that I believe in myself. I believe I can do it. I believe it will get better. The sun always comes out eventually. Today feels far less pointless than yesterday.
I am learning that the mind is one of the best ways to fight the mind. I am equipping myself with so many tools. I feel so ready for each fight every day. I thought that I was in crisis, because my illness or disorders are such a huge part of my personality. But I am not doomed. There are parts of me that I love. Just because I am battling the parts that I do not, I can keep fighting to let my light and brightness shine through. It is so powerful. You have to be, to be this strong. I have learned that all this, it can be talked about. Someone else is probably going through something you would not have imagined. I choose to wear mine beautifully. There is a mass of creativity amongst all the anger, sadness and pain.
I like to think that I am extremely self-aware. I am lucky. I know my triggers…I see the warning signs. I know when to get out of a situation or calm down or when I need to not be alone. I go outside or I write or read. Not everyone is that lucky. The first steps to anything are learning. I learn about myself all the time. Every single day. I am embracing every part of me. Every change that comes my way. After meditating today and spending some time focusing on my body, I realised that I do not recognise myself in the pictures around the room. I am so different now. I have grown. I am learning. I am accepting. I do not mind though. It is all a part of me. All the different experiences and reactions.
So my lesson for today is mindfulness. I think it is important. In the every day. In the not getting caught up. It is so important for someone like me. To just breathe in and breathe out. Because breathing gets hard sometimes. But it will get easier.