My most listened to song ever is Weight Of Living by Bastille. For some people life is heavy. It definitely is not easy and I would not classify it as particularly hard, but life is beautifully complicated. Sometimes I just cannot shake the heavy weight of living. I cannot stand the person I have become and I cannot carry this life with no regrets. It all weighs me down as though there really is something around my neck dragging me down. There is a light though. There is always a light. There is always some positivity. Always some love. Some lightness. Some joy. That is what I love about this life.
I know I have no right to be angry when I listen to the way some people talk, but I definitely get angry. Rational thinking tells me not to be. I am human though. I have emotions, at least some of the time. They are what make all of us into who we are. Rational thinking tells me there are so many things I should not think and feel and do. Rational thinking helps me to get out of those deep, dark places. I am not always rational. We all have our downfalls. I listen to people’s very real but oh so fake problems. I listen to the boy who never called back or the dress that does not fit. I have been there, I have cried about those things too. So I have no right to be angry.
I am angry. I am angry because try being your own worst enemy. Try fighting with yourself every day. Try being mentally ill. Try having no one around to understand you. Try not being able to understand yourself. Try battling with issues like abuse, racism, sexism, mental illness, loss or anything bigger than a petty problem with an instant fix. Try handling something that you have no control over, that you cannot fix then tell me what a problem is. I do not understand how you can become so caught up in the small things, so wrapped up in your own little lives when there is so much more to deal with.
I have to deal with big problems all the time. That is why I cannot listen anymore. Listening to the little things, whilst stifling the screams inside of you, it is exhausting. I am mentally ill. I know how precious my mind is and that is why I have to protect myself. I try to avoid complaining. If I am not complaining about what is happening to me, then what do you have to complain about it. It is really awful. I have good days, of which I am grateful. I have bad days, where nothing functions as it should and I have to overcome more than you may realise, but I get on with it. I rarely complain about fighting the voices in my head or the urges I face. It is not fair. I know that for sure, but I am not alone in this. So I draw upon the strength and bravery of others and I do the same.
The key, for me at least, is not dwelling on the past or the future. I am trying to be present, in the moment. There can be times at which I fail. It can prove challenging in situations where you need to deal with the adult parts of life, like going to work and paying bills. I try my hardest to draw distinctions. I try to not control everything because you cannot. This also helps to conquer anxiety. I try to be calm. I try to think about why people are doing what they are doing. I show maturity. I know when to take myself out of a situation and if I do not handle the situation in time, it is my problem so I will deal with it and face any consequences. I am stronger than you may realise. I am also far weaker than you may see. I remain so strong for such a long time that people forget that I fall apart and cannot worry about myself at times when I really need to.
Life, it is heavy. Sometimes you cannot carry the weight. You can gain the strength, though. It is just like going to the gym. One day, you will be able to lift that weight with the training and hard work. It is the same for my mind. So I have every confidence that there is an end to this. There is a light. There is always a light.