There are very simple things that I desire. I look around and I seem to fall short in every aspect. I would like a mother who calls to ask how I am mentally and if I am doing ok, me. Not whether my assignments are being done well and handed in on time. What does that matter in the grand scheme of things when I am falling apart at the seams and can hardly keep it together enough to stay alive. They do not matter to me. I would probably feel a lot better about life if people cared enough to talk about what is wrong. The words are simple: I am here to listen and support you. It is not about what you can do or giving people lectures or advice. I do not need any of that. I need someone to listen. You cannot do anything. It is my battle to fight, but you can make it easier.
It is so simple. Honestly. I do it all the time. For everyone around me. I ask and find out what is going on in their lives and how they feel and are coping. Just because my life is completely associated with taboo topics and stigma, why not just swallow your judgement and talk about it with someone who knows and is not ashamed. This is my reality. I know that it is happening. I do not need you to tell me there is nothing wrong with me. There is something wrong and the only way to get through it is with support. I am fed up of friends who avoid talking to you because you are suicidal or do not want to spend time with you because of the voices in your head. Social connection and interactions are one of the best cures for what I am going through, but not if it is in the wrong format. Then, I just wind up feeling worse, because I got hours of judgement and lectures. So I go back to my solitude where I end up feeling alone, judging myself and ashamed of something that so many have to go through and there is nothing to be ashamed of.
I know that I shut down sometimes. Life becomes incredibly hard for me. You cannot even imagine at times what is going through my head. I have understood that when people start to close off and push people away, that is when the alarm bells should go off, because it is worrying. I know there are times when I do not pick up the phone or answer a text, but it is particularly of importance who it is and what they are saying. I am there at the end of the phone, watching the world go by as the messages come through and sometimes I just do not care.
However, when I see a simple: ‘hey, it’s me 🙂 just checking in to see that you’re doing okay. are you? what about mentally? just remember that I’m here to listen and support you. sending you love & strength.’ – that is a powerful message. That breaks through the shutting down and even when I do not want to reply, because everything is falling apart around me, it is still the reminder you needed that someone cares about you over materialistic things or gossiping or small talk. I honestly cannot cope or deal with these things. There is no room left after my mind is done shutting down the destructiveness. Checking in on someone else is not hard. It does not have to be patronising. You do not need to be fully equipped with anything but yourself and the ability to listen. It is not as though I am asking you to perform open heart surgery.
Instead, people shy away from it completely. They do nothing. Then everything becomes worse. We are left in a deeper pit of despair. Everyone begins to feel helpless. That is when disaster strikes.