What I Have Learnt

I went to sleep calm. I had exhausted my body through walking and my mind through thinking. I slept well and even though my alarm was going off, I was still deep in sleep and I guess I must have turned it off. This is extremely rare for me as I am usually awake without the need for any alarms. I tend to watch the minutes tick by until it has reached a suitable time to get up, because although I cannot sleep, I can at least give my body extra time to rest, if I have nowhere to be and it is still dark outside. Today, I began to feel guilty that I was still sleeping and I kept turning over to look at the time on my phone.

Then, I saw the screenshot and the message after several unanswered, unnoticed snaps that I had sent in to the artidote. Today was the day I received a response. I looked on the story and there was my picture, with the words, ‘Why is the bath the only place I feel remotely calm? I am safe here and so very me, human. Everywhere else I am just empty…’. The picture was from a terrible phase of nothingness that I had experienced and recently I have been coping with this by sitting in the bath to calm myself down and get away from the destructive thoughts. Water has always calmed me down, but I am in a city now and there is no sea or calm outside. The rivers and lakes are polluted and crowded and distress me further. This sharing of vulnerable, honest thoughts is so empowering and liberating. To be heard, when you thought no one was listening. To be seen, in your most vulnerable state by so many, but to be feeling so much better now and so unafraid when witnessing that past state, all encompassed by fear. That is rewarding.

When my sister tagged me in words that were beyond what I was expecting, “Broken people are so powerful. They have to put themselves back together every day.”, I felt power. I felt I had been listened to and heard and understood. She recently read every single post I have put up on here in states of joy and despair. She subscribes to read every word I am saying, because she understands that this is my voice. I may have been silent for years, but I have always had a story to tell and all I ask for back is understanding. Following the struggle to try and help my mother understand, these words provided me with courage and filled me with strength. I felt so powerful. I have hope. Hope, especially, for good days of which there will be many, because I am saving myself and I am putting myself back together every day. There is something amazing about that.

There is something amazing about the people who come into your life that you never even expected. There is the girl I decided to talk to after seeing mental health over every damn thing all over her pictures also. I am sat listening to the music she shared with me. I know nothing about her and we have barely spoken, but she was right the music is moving me. I am calm without the need for the bathtub. Better than that, I am inspired.

I have a friend and she is nothing short of beautiful. I tell her I am falling apart and I can share with her what I cannot carry on my own. Now she is far away, but the simple response of ‘I wish I could be there with you right now’ is perfection. I feel so much love. I tell her my dreams and she says we will make them happen. I rant and share with her so many truths, but there is no judgement. Simply an ‘I relate to that’. She is always looking out for me, wants nothing but the best for me and gives me so much courage. Seeing her, brightens my day, because beauty is constantly and consistently radiating out of her.

As for another friend, an absolute bizarre case. I end up at a complete loss when wondering how someone with a supposed ‘easy life’ as he likes to call it, can have so much understanding. Honestly, I have learnt the importance of having someone that you speak to regularly. Someone who is able to detect small changes. Someone that you trust enough to speak your mind. I went through hell last week. My mind was beyond destructive. That is when I realised all the moments that keep me sane. I hate being asked how I am or about my feelings, because I am never good at hiding my happiness or sadness, but I am good at hiding my emptiness. The world has no idea how incomplete I feel on some days. Then, there are the people you tell all about it that do not think you are crazy. I have a beautiful life. I am so privileged and so lucky to be where I am. I have so far to go. Yet, there are times when I want to give it all up and if you cannot speak to people openly in those times, then you are you pretty close to it happening. Every 30 seconds, someone, somewhere in this world takes their own life. To me, that is the difference between the question how are you today or are you feeling better and complete silence. That lack of communication is deadly. I spent the whole week feeling absolutely awful, but I was reminded that there was better. I was reminded of feeling and who I was and who other people were and what they mean, because you forget those things when you are falling to the floor in a breakdown on your own. Those words, they save you. That communication. That acceptance of any and every deadly thought. That understanding that allows you to pick yourself up. That is everything.

Then, there is by best friend who on days like this continues to surprise me. I think this day would not have been completed without her message that she is making my birthday present. Especially after I thought I want death. I read and read A Birthday Present – a dangerous poem to ever read, but intense meaning, power and beauty. I got that text and I laughed at last week. I became excited. My best friend, she knows me better than you could ever think to know a person and so this present does not need to be big or expensive or anything that you might expect, because it is going to be so me. I smiled because I was reminded in that moment of my rock and a love you would not believe. I was reminded that there is so much good in this life.

So today, I have learnt of vulnerability, of honesty, of sharing, of courage, of strength, of power, of hope, of understanding, of beauty, of excitement and most importantly of love, because that is what all these things are after all. That is love.

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