Dissatisfaction

I like my life. Sounds strange. I do. Life, to me, was never meant to be easy. I would never say that I have a hard life. I have not had it easy that is true, but I often get what I want. I know hard work. I am extremely privileged. Not only that but I am smart. I have made so many incredible connections in this life.

I still do not understand why I get these periods of emptiness. I have become numb. I feel I have learnt this numbness from my surroundings. That is why I explain to people that the sad look on my face is not sadness and the reason I do not smile is not because I am always sad. I have simply become robotic, like there is nothing left in me but the actions. The feelings that accompany them left a long time ago. I continue to do things that once brought me joy. I remember a time that they once brought me joy. I read what I wrote down and I see pictures. It all makes sense and I can see why I would want to do these things, but the feelings are not there.

I have discovered new things that help me to feel. I have enjoyed running recently after years of hating it. I write almost everyday. I really love writing. I love the words I read from any and every source whether it is an old such as much loved poem or new like a blog post. I realised the food I really enjoyed, learnt how to make it and began to cook for myself rather than always eating out. I used to love fast food and laziness and binging on television shows, but after my depression was triggered, I struggled to do anything. I found no joy. I am fighting it though, in any way I can.

I know now why I am dissatisfied with my life even though it is pretty amazing. And that helps. A lot. Knowing that you cannot really explain what is going on in your head is a relief. Knowing that my thoughts and feeling are not all that crazy and so many other people in the world experience similar is pretty comforting. So I feel that I can move forward with life, in the best way I can. Dealing with everything one step at a time.

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