I find myself wondering why parents are necessary. Who thought it would be a good idea to put an individual’s life into the hand of another? Who gave them the right to choose what we would wear, what we would eat and how we would think? I want to break out, right now. I want to explain that I will never agree with your opinions and I will always voice my own. I want you to know that I am not wasting a life. I am fighting every second of every day to maintain a life. I am fighting to survive. It is not because I think that I am so hard done by. I know that there is a lot worse – do not get me wrong.
I did not choose to switch myself off. So mother, if you think that I stopped feeling out of choice you are wrong. I want to be happy, hell I even miss the sadness sometimes. Feeling nothing is a reaction. It is the only way to cope. When you are sat listening to the words that have the power to destroy you and trust me they can and will, then you block it out. It is the only way you know how. So I do not talk to you about my emptiness. I know you will not understand. You are an over energetic, always reacting person. I know that this is foreign to you. You say I cannot be sad because I am privileged, but hold on, is sadness not a part of being human. Really you should say I cannot be sad because I am not human then. You sort of said that already though. You called me special (not in a good way), strange and weird. You told me I was far from normal, even though, by the way, there is no such thing. You told me how outrageous you think what I am going through is.
How do you think that makes me feel? Do you really think those words are going to pick me up and make me live with a smile on my face for the rest of my days? They stabbed me in the chest. They are telling me that I am not entitled to live a human life. They are telling me I cannot suffer, so I guess I cannot feel joy either, oh but wait, I actually cannot. And why? Well, that is how you taught me. You see I have coping mechanisms in place and I have survival. I will get through it slowly. Hell, it is not a waste of a life. It is the valuing of a life. I am not giving up. I am fighting this fight and do not even try to tell me I am not.
Do not tell me that it is a waste to throw away opportunities, especially when they are opportunities I may not even have. Do not tell me that I cannot take a break from studying. Stop talking to me about privilege and the African way. School, university – they are not a life lesson. I need to take a break from it all, because honestly, I do not know what I have learnt. I have learnt that there is no God, there is no one coming to save me. I have learnt that life is hard, love is hard, happiness is hard, but all these things are attainable. I did not learn these things in a classroom. Just because I am some sort of intelligent being, does not mean I belong trapped in a classroom.
It took me way too long to learn human experiences. I did not know feelings or how to love. I barely knew anything until I left the enclosed world of education. So I am done with it. You may see it as a waste but I know my passion. Yes, I once loved learning. Yes, I still love learning. Learning for me lies out there in the world. In choosing the books that you get to read and what you can write about. It lies in the people you meet and places I know that I have to see. I do not want this privileged life of learning. I want an old-fashioned, out with nature, connecting with people, face to face kind of learning. If that is not inspiration, then I do not know what is.
I want nothing to do with anyone that is going to hold me back. I want peace. So you can say whatever you would like, as you did today. I will sit, I will hear the words, but I will not listen. There is more out there and I know it. So do not tell me I am giving up. Do not tell me anything, because you do not know about me. You do not ask about me, so of course, you will never understand. I did not expect you too. That is why I ask you for nothing. So when you say that you are done and cannot give me anything. That is absolutely fine. It is what I expected. I am numb to the words. Just as you taught me to be. It is how I survive for now and I will survive, believe me.
I am not on a quest for feeling. I have learnt how to feel and it is so beautiful. I am on a path of surviving this. The only way I know how. So I have shut down. Shut off. Everything. If you do not get that, you need to look at yourself and reflect, because that is where it started. So thank you for your words, without them, I would never have learnt so many valuable lessons. Now, they are empty. Meaningless. Nothing.