It is my birthday soon. It is pointless. It is a day. I read and re-read the poem A Birthday Present by Sylvia Plath. I am obsessed with death. It was her suicide note. It is so beautiful. So perfect and the words come out my mouth so easily. I struggled today. Not to harm myself. I struggled. I struggled and I won. I do not always win. I struggled to breathe. I struggled to continue. I was hungry but I did not want to move. I did not have the strength to move. I sat and read and wrote, ignoring the hunger. Finally, I got up. I walked to window. I looked out. At the clouds. At the sky. Then down. To the cars. To the people. I put my hands on the window. I felt like I was in a box. In a box and I could not get out. I put my hands on the window. There were fists. They were banging. Then the tears ran down. My fingertips ran down the window. I began to howl. I was grasping for air. I could not breathe. My throat was completely dry. The tears. The screams. They were harsh and painful. The dry throat swallowing the sound. I fell to the ground. Sat there. Continuing to search for air. More tears. Eyes stinging. I wanted pain. The huger was gone. I wanted to hurt myself. I wanted a physical pain. This was too overwhelming. I was fighting. I fought harder. I still wanted it. I got up. Walking towards the bathroom. Peeling off each item of clothing as I walked. I got to the mirror. I saw the red. I saw the pain in my eyes. I saw the harshness amongst the beauty. The tanned skin. The curly hair. But all I saw were those eyes. More tears. I turned the shower on. Stepped in. Continued to howl. Continued to think. I want to hurt myself. I made a fist. I hit the wall. The came the words over and over. Two words. The words to myself. The words to my thoughts. The words to the world.
Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.
I sank to the floor of the bathtub. I sat shaking. I let the water run down my back. More tears. I began to speak. I do not know what I was saying. Rambling. Sentences. Phrases. Words. I shook back and forth. The bathtub filled up. I put the plug in. Switched the shower off. Left the tap running. I sat curled. I extended my legs. I held them. I lay on my side. I stared at the wall. One point on the wall. The hunger came back. My stomach growled. My eyes were exhausted. They wanted to close. They wanted no more of this world. I am exhausted. I paused. I focused. I began to breathe normally again. I was talking to myself again. I took the comb. Took the knots out my hair. Scrubbed my skin. I was clean. It was over. I stood up. Got out. Grabbed the towel. Walked to the kitchen.