You think I do not believe in love
Because I have not experienced it.
Do not be fooled, I know what love is.
Love is the screaming voice outside
That bathroom door that told me
I would live to see another day.
Love is the hours spent on the phone
Until the crying turns to laughing.
Love is the first time I had the courage
To ask for help and was given a mile,
Even though I only needed an inch.
Love is every hug that I thought
Was going to tear me apart with
Memories of pain, but instead somehow
Managed to put me back together.
Love is in the meals with strangers
That I had no idea would become family.
Love is in the conversations that allow me
To trust and result in the opening up –
The outpouring of every part of myself
I thought I had to keep hidden.
Love is the hand that reaches out
For yours when you do not think
You are getting up off that ground.
Love is in the people who lose sleep
Because your wellbeing is more important.
Love is in the goodbyes you did not
Have the strength to say, that you thought
Would tear you apart, but never stay gone.
Love is in the long-lasting, the meaningful;
It is in the everyday.
Love is in the kindness of a stranger
And the welcoming of a best friend.
Distance cannot destroy it,
Time cannot destroy it.
When I say I do not believe,
It is because I cannot feel it.
At least not all of the time.
Sometimes it is there, burning stronger
Than anything I have ever felt before.
I have experienced love on a full spectrum.
I have done friendship, romance and
I have made my own family.
Sometimes though, I cannot feel it,
Because I cannot feel anything.
At times like that I laugh when people
Say that love conquers all.
It is not conquering this. My mind
Always gets in the way of love.
The good parts of me believe in love.
They always have time for love,
But the destructive forces inside, they
Allow no love to enter in and so this body,
The mind and soul and every part of it
Is left with no love.
The good news is: I know what it is.
I have felt it, very clearly and my brain
Is powerful enough to hold on and keep
Coming back even at the worst of times
For another taste of what love is.