When I get particularly down or to a very low point, I forget things. Lots of things. I forget people. I cannot remember faces or names. Emotions fade from me. I begin to feel empty. I cannot feel love or joy or sadness. I cannot even remember a time when I did. Everything has just gone. As though it was not my life. As though I am borrowing the stories from a book. As though I never even lived them. I hate this point. People always say why did you not tell me or call me. Honestly? I could not even remember that you existed. I forget so much and I struggle to even breathe. The smart in me, keeps my brain. I know to seek professional help. Even though I cannot remember my family or my friends or anything really. I know that there are always professionals.
This really puzzles me. Me in all my sentimental ways. Me with all the pictures and books filled with memories. Why and how could I forget? I wish I could explain. I wish I could be a better friend and tell people what is going on. I wish I could explain. I wish I did not have a list that I go down in order to remind myself of people and their importance. I need it though. I take people off and put people on regularly. It is probably the thing I update most. It is a strange sort of crazy. It is very organised. Everything is. I have warning signs. I have preventative measures. It is all becoming a little strange.
I am on the wrong side of all of it. Or at least it feels that way. It feels like you should not upset my rhythm. It feels like I can cope with some things but not others. It confuses even me. So I do not explain. I do not tell people that I am pushing them away and that I am doing it because I need them more than ever. I just string together words that make no sense with no explanation. I watch them get frustrated without a care in the world. I know that it is not normal. I am far from regular behaviour. That is as far as explanations go.