Sometimes I want to die. I really do. I plan it and I think about it all the time. I am obsessed with the idea of being anywhere but here. Getting to live a different life. This one, it feels so damn empty. I look for things to make me feel better, but they are all so temporary and the emptiness comes back. It does not go for long. I wish I could see to a tomorrow. The days are getting so dark now. Facing my thoughts is a harder battle than I thought. I am grateful to communities like the artidote. I am grateful for support systems and counsellors. I am glad that I write. No matter what, I write. When it is out there, I never realised what that meant. I did not think that people would read and respond. I feel a little less empty. I love words. Every time I receive words, with no face or idea of what a person is going through, I am in awe; holding on to those words.
I have not tried to die for a while. I have not taken drugs or become obsessed with the ideas of limbo and hallucinations. I feel all that is in my past. The feelings are still there. The thoughts come and go. “Mother, I have pasts inside me I did not bury properly. Some nights, your daughter tears herself apart yet heals in the morning” – I guess that is me. I always make it somehow. I am doing it now with nothing but me. All I have is this body, this mind. It is crumbling though. No God, no drugs, no abusing this body. I wish I did not crumble. I wish I was strong all the time. It gets exhausting though.
All I am ever looking for is someone who understands. I need a person in my life who knows struggle as well as I do, but is not still struggling. Someone who knows how it hurts to heal. Some things just cannot be put into words. I know these people are out there. I have met them. I have gained and lost people over and over. Sometimes, I learn from them about struggle. Other times about feelings and how to cope. I am so advanced to know what my mind is doing when and how it is doing it. Not everyone is so self aware. I do not have all the answers. I will never have all the answers. I have so much to learn though. I suppose that is why I do not die.
I am not holding onto anything. The thoughts of never seeing people or places again rarely does it for me. I think about me though. All that I can become, in the most modest of ways. I realise my potential. Hardly anyone else does. I know that I am smart. I can be something. I read and I love to learn. So I hold on to me. It is hard. Harder than you would even believe if you saw the smile I wear sometimes. It is my reality. I am a fighter, though. I was born a fighter and I always be one. So now, my time has come to fight for me.