Sometimes I want to die. I really do. I plan it and I think about it all the time. I am obsessed with the idea of being anywhere but here. Getting to live a different life. This one, it feels so damn empty. I look for things to make me feel better, but they are all so temporary and the emptiness comes back. It does not go for long. I wish I could see to a tomorrow. The days are getting so dark now. Facing my thoughts is a harder battle than I thought. I am grateful to communities like the artidote. I am grateful for support systems and counsellors. I am glad that I write. No matter what, I write. When it is out there, I never realised what that meant. I did not think that people would read and respond.  I feel a little less empty. I love words. Every time I receive words, with no face or idea of what a person is going through, I am in awe; holding on to those words.

I have not tried to die for a while. I have not taken drugs or become obsessed with the ideas of limbo and hallucinations. I feel all that is in my past. The feelings are still there. The thoughts come and go. “Mother, I have pasts inside me I did not bury properly. Some nights, your daughter tears herself apart yet heals in the morning” – I guess that is me. I always make it somehow. I am doing it now with nothing but me. All I have is this body, this mind. It is crumbling though. No God, no drugs, no abusing this body. I wish I did not crumble. I wish I was strong all the time. It gets exhausting though.

All I am ever looking for is someone who understands. I need a person in my life who knows struggle as well as I do, but is not still struggling. Someone who knows how it hurts to heal. Some things just cannot be put into words. I know these people are out there. I have met them. I have gained and lost people over and over. Sometimes, I learn from them about struggle. Other times about feelings and how to cope. I am so advanced to know what my mind is doing when and how it is doing it. Not everyone is so self aware. I do not have all the answers. I will never have all the answers. I have so much to learn though. I suppose that is why I do not die.

I am not holding onto anything. The thoughts of never seeing people or places again rarely does it for me. I think about me though. All that I can become, in the most modest of ways. I realise my potential. Hardly anyone else does. I know that I am smart. I can be something. I read and I love to learn. So I hold on to me. It is hard. Harder than you would even believe if you saw the smile I wear sometimes. It is my reality. I am a fighter, though. I was born a fighter and I always be one. So now, my time has come to fight for me.


4 thoughts on “Coping

  1. I am pretty close to where you are. Yes. You are special. You are one in a million chance. You are born, sentient, and conscious. You can use this gift to, perhaps, make your life amazing… and perhaps touch the lives of others…

    I know the emptiness. I have a son, which makes it easier for me. But fight the good fight. Look for the fire inside. I know it burns somewhere. I would like to hear more about how your fight progresses.

    Stay in touch and NEVER ever give up!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I went through the same stage of life. I was depressed, sad, demotivated, lost self respect.

    My advice for you is 2:
    1) Have a company, or occupied yourself with something rather than be alone.
    2) Express yourself, be it writing, painting or art.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. So many of us feel this way at one time or another. Am glad you shared this. I hate being vulnerable and I love words! Be brave and continue being where we can read you!

    Liked by 1 person

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