Someone told me they thought those scenes in movies where you slide down the wall and hit the ground crying were manufactured. They thought this until it happened to them. Until they were so hit with pain that their body became uncontrollable. Until standing became too much. Until the weight of it was too heavy. When they realised the trap they had fallen into. When they felt the emptiness that comes with that heaviness. When they realised their body could not contain the tears. I have felt that over a thousand times. I sink all the time. I struggle to even stand. I fall completely. I crumble weakly.
To have done it so many times, I guess means that I have picked myself up that many times. It does not hurt any less though, in the moment. It feels like it will never end. Like you cannot go on. I know what public meltdowns feel like. I know how it feels to cry and cry in private and never tell anyone. I have sat in showers for hours. I have walked in the pouring rain hiding the tears. I have sat and walked around numb. Keeping it all in. No tears. Just breaking down. Sometimes, I think there is no end. I pick myself up for it to happen again. I crumble again. I deflect my anger. My sadness. People always ask what brought it on. They ask what is wrong. Like I could ever know. What is wrong is that I have so much hurt and pain that I cannot contain and when one small thing triggers it, I draw on the emotions of the past.
I cannot explain, unless you know. If you know, I am sorry that you have to experience so much turmoil inside of you, because it is so horrible. I often manage to work out what is wrong or how I got there afterwards, but when I am in that state, there is no figuring anything out. I guess that is why I reflect and I attempt to solve the problems I have encountered afterwards.
Yesterday I crumbled, but today I have risen to a greater level of understanding.