I always fall for people I have no possibility of having sex with. Someone miles away or gay or Christian or girls or so messed up on drugs that they cannot even use their body. That is me. I get sucked in and they all provided me with a way to cope. A way to ignore and not have to deal with what was truly going on inside of me.
I wrote: What is love? Because I am so confused right now. I do not know what I want or what I am supposed to want or what I deserve or what I should have – all that I know is last night was the most special that I think I have ever felt and I do not ever want to lose that feeling. I am so scared right now, mostly of myself and what I am capable of but mostly because I have so many ghosts and they haunt me every day and I do not know how someone else is supposed to deal with that. All I know is that I am willing to let him in and I just hope that this is long term because I know that I need some stability.
Of course, I messed everything up. I relied to heavily on another. I push people away. I feel better off on my own. I am safer and I can take responsibility for everything that I do. It hurts though. My loneliness. Watching everyone around me happy. I do not do relationships, but really I do not do anything. After the first or first few dates, I decide I am better off alone. I keep people at a distance. Sometimes I am really bad and I use people. I never mean to manipulate them. I know that I am fascinating and people want to figure me out, but I cannot figure me out and I am not ready to talk to you about the layers and layers of damage. There are more issues than you realised. I have more stories to tell than even I knew.
Right now, I feel I have regressed again. I do not want anyone. I am content with my solitude, but it is empty and a lonely existence. I feel as though I have no single friends left, as though no one gets me. I do not know what to do with myself. It feels like I am becoming more and more insensitive to people’s everyday simple relationship problems, because I cannot deal with them. I would rather not have to let another in. I am good at doing it with my friend’s, but they continually let me down. I cannot feel too much for one person, it hurts too much. So I choose this and I am aware that I choose it. I am no longer as undesirable as I once considered myself, but I shut myself off to possibilities. I am my own worst enemy.