I tried to kill my mother, because she told me to,
Because I used to wish every day that a bus would hit her,
Because I was hurting so much from all that she had done.
The words she said rang deep, her actions were long lasting.
She asked why I hated her and I did not know,
Asked why I wanted to end my life, I said because of her.
She said she would rather it was hers than mine,
But would never take her own,
So she told me to kill her if I wanted it so.
I tried and I tried, put my hands round her neck,
But the tears, they came and she looked at me shocked,
She asked what it was, I said mother I cannot do it.
When she wondered what it was, that had made me want to,
I explained all I felt was hate, all the time,
I asked why do not love me because I truly love you,
I cannot kill you, I love you more than I ever knew I could,
I thought it was hate, it was a mix up of emotions,
But now that I am the one trying to kill you, I cannot.
I would not be sad if you died, that is true.
I would think that your time has come, as with everyone,
I would think that we had tried all that we could,
But you had taught me well and I grew strong,
When you hit me, you never knew the day would come
When I would hit back, when I would overpower you,
But my strength I will never use it to ever kill you.
I realised in that moment how much I loved you.
You were my mother, my everything, my world,
You were the only one I would ever get
And though you are flawed and I wished for another,
It took me years to realise it could not be so.
Years of pain and years of hurt to realise you could not die,
I, myself, did not want to live without you,
I thought I could kill you and then myself,
I thought there would be no protesting then.
I guess I never really wanted to die,
Perhaps I did it all to hear the words,
All I ever wanted was an I love you.