Existential Crisis?

In December, I joked that my gran’s secret to immortality was Jesus. I guess I realised in that moment that I did not believe it. I, too, had thought that if I followed Jesus and read the Bible, prayed and repented for my sins, could live a full life. The problem with Christianity is it allowed me to tell myself a lie. It gave me structure in my life, that is for sure. It gave me a discipline, a way to get away from the bad and spent some time alone. It made me feel that talking to myself for hours was not crazy, because God was listening. I was able to block out so much and live a much simpler life. I never think I truly believed.

When I was seventeen, I was sent off for a week to my gran’s Christian conference as an almost punishment. My mother did not trust me to stay at home on my own whilst they were on holiday, despite having done it before and having been very mature for years. In this week, I withdrew from everything, but somehow it all seeped in and I remember downloading the worship songs and reading the Bible more. I needed something to hold onto. A place to draw my strength from. The more I uttered the words, the more I believed. Although, I never really believed I just felt strong.

By last year, I had thrown myself into a church and it was my structure and way of life. Something that I really needed. I had been at boarding school for seven years, I needed something to live by and for. Today, I realise that I live for me. My structure is training six days a week and a vegan diet five days a week. I sometimes meditate. My body is truly important to me. It is me. I feel entitled to do whatever I want with it and I tend to treat it a lot better. I am healthier and fitter than ever before. I know now not to abuse this body. I do not worry about my flaws, but embrace them. This is the only one that I have got.

Christianity faded from my life so gently that I did not even realise. I got to be young and free. I spent most of my Sundays out in nature in Sweden. I felt relaxed and calm and more myself than ever before. I got the opportunity to heal, without the need for another substance or entity. I spent so much time with myself and I began to nurture and love myself. I found myself not worrying about a future or where I would end up, but just living. I explored everything and myself. Now, I get to question everything and ask deep and meaningful questions.

I feel far happier doing this and not having answers. No one really has all the answers so now I just feel like all the rest of the people out there wondering. Even though I do not fully understand or know it yet, I know that I have a purpose. That is why I live and although I am not currently working towards a goal, it does not worry me. I feel extremely calm about all of it. I used to stress far too often and in extreme amounts, but now I know that life is not all that challenging. I know exactly how to be happy.

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