I have been told that I give off a positive energy. Everyone around me knows that there is beauty here. There is something so much deeper. I am easy to talk to and apparently give the advice of someone who has experienced a lifetime. I guess I have experienced several lifetimes. I have been several people. I am finally getting to be me.
I laugh slightly when people tell me about my outward vibe. There are so many negative thoughts swirly around inside and it all feels like chaos. It is so messy: the blessings and the destructiveness. I fight that battle with my mind everyday to make sure the negative does not win. Sometimes, it becomes a battle that I am losing, but so far I am winning the war. That to me is the truest sign of bravery and strength. When your own mind, as it is for many of us, is the now thing you have to overcome.
In my life, very few people have been aware of who I really am. I appear to be this insanely privileged, well educated girl who goes to parties and wears a smile. I am of course these things. I know my privilege. I know how fortunate I am, but there is a story here. It is beyond what you could possibly imagine from what meets the eye. This smile…the teeth are actually rotting from years of neglect and the abuse that I gave my own body. Even before I became an adult, the damage had all been done. I did not know what to do so ended up making it worse.
You would not know all the lows and highs that I have been through when you look at me. You would not realise how much I have lived. I did not expect to live a long life. It did not seem to be the path that was set for me. There were too may times, too many nights that I went through not knowing if I would survive. I did not know if I could or even wanted to live. Here I am, living. Really living. Pushing through every moment and working insanely hard. I realise now the beauty of this life.
It is absolutely crazy that I would not be here and would not be this, exactly what I am, where I am, doing what I do without everything and everyone. That is pretty amazing. I am so fortunate. So blessed. This year, I learnt to love myself. I learnt to take back my body from anyone who had every made me feel unwelcome in it. I learnt that I do not need answers or reassurance of some beautiful afterlife. I have learnt some incredible lessons and I ask a lot of questions. One thing I know now that everyone should know is that we were brought into this world with one thing, ourselves. That is all we will die with. So now I treat this body with so much respect. I love it more than anything I have ever loved before. It is the best thing I have ever experienced. The most happiness I have ever known.
I am not looking for answers. I am living. Taking every moment as it comes. I am being me, more than ever and everyone can see it. All the words I receive, I know that I have shown me. If I have learnt anything, advice is just someone else’s opinion that you sit kindly and listen to, gathering up all opinions to make an informed decision. It does not matter to me how good my advice is, because it is entirely mine. I will always take in every word you say as though I am eating a delicious meal, but how boring to live off one meal alone for an entire life…