I remember the first boy who kissed me. I was sixteen. I was coming out of the awful chubby spotty phase and I finally had breasts and a decent figure. I was coating myself in makeup and straightening my hair as I still often do. He held my hand as we worked together on a project in a computer lab and got my number purely for research purposes. I remember going back to the dorm and thinking he was so amazing. He never once used my number. We all got ready for the party and I made an extra effort to look good. Many were drinking, others were staying in, I was not really either. I did not touch alcohol before I turned eighteen but liked to socialise and dance, just have fun. We got the party and I saw him pretty soon after, he did not even dress well, but his face was perfection to my sixteen year old eyes. Not long into the party he was making out with some blonde skinny girl in a crop top and I felt insufficient. I was sad so went outside then joined the toilet queue. As I came out of the toilet, there he was and he held my hand and then he spent the rest of the night kissing me. The next day, we barely spoke. It was apparent he was shy without alcohol. Kind but reserved. He set me off balance. Made me unsure of myself.

It was a long time until I kissed anyone again. Once again it was unexpected. A twist a turn of events that led me to be walking along in a group of friends and strangers in another country, when one of them, pulled me back behind a bus stop and kissed me. He bit me and it hurt and he did not say anything, but I just wanted to do that since I saw you. So I was confused. I saw him on and off for the week and he was nice, if a little rough but playful. We carried on speaking all summer even though we were apart. Then summer ended and I had to get through my final year of school and I had been hurt and damaged, beyond any repair that he could do from so far away. What had happened to me had hurt us both and the pain continued in a vicious cycle. I remember I was speaking to so many strangers on the internet at the time, looking for some kind of understanding and recognition.

My final year at school was a disastrous one. I shut everyone out and could hardly survive. I did not want real people or distant ones and could barely even deal with me. I made it through and I got a summer job. One night, I stepped out of my comfort zone and went out with a Spanish girl from work. In one of the bars this guy had been talking to me and I remained reserved. Somehow, he too managed to kiss me and it was a nice kiss even though I did not like him much. I never saw or heard from him again, but went home proud that I had stepped out.

I began university and all the drunken nights led to hundreds of kisses, sometimes over ten guys in a night. Honestly, I was damaged and hurting. This is not an ideal scenario to be in or put yourself in. I knew my strength though. I could dance like the whole world faded away, whilst in reality there they were all staring at me. I got guys who were not mine to take, I got them with no makeup or even when I was sick. I learnt of my own power. I was no longer the fat, ugly girl no one wanted. I could have two strangers interested in me at the same time and make everyone jealous. I could have girls and guys. I wound up in all sorts of situations, but I am so incredibly smart and strong. I never had sex with anyone. I did not want to. I was not ready. I was far too vulnerable. I have zero problems with my own nudity and who knows how many have seen me naked but intimacy is not for me.

I calmed down a little when I met an odd sort of guy at work. We dated and got on pretty well to some extent. I mean, we were different but we were both always up all night. So we talked all night, every night. I do not know why we were together. He did not want me. I guess that helped though, because I do not want to be touched. So him with his possible homosexuality and me with my issues, fit pretty well. Listening to his petty problems was sort of refreshing and I laughed and was happy. After a while, I guess I felt comfortable around him and craved more, but it was not going to work out for us. We were not an ideal pairing. So I spiralled back into the nights of drinking until one night, I woke up in a dangerous way and knew to snap myself out of it.

From then on, it was no alcohol and I had a few random kisses, but I mostly changed. I became a devoted Christian. I had always believed, but now I was back to the mindset of no sex before marriage and dating someone for a long time first. It reminded me of who I was when I was seventeen, before any boy had upset the rhythm of me. It was peaceful and refreshing. I had crushes and I went on dates, but I had kissed no one and I did not mind. Then I left for another country and knew that all I had become accustomed to was bound to change.

It changed for the better though. The first boy I sort of liked, was awful. Sexist and racist, but very me. He was emotionally unavailable, just like me and it worked out pretty well on and off for a good few months. I travelled more exploring other parts of the world and of course met incredible people who I could easily have fallen for, but I always had to leave. My balance was upset when I returned home and told myself a week with no drama, all alone. That of course did not happen. Actually, I had the most incredible kiss of my entire life. I still remember the feeling and sensation. I was though, always thinking about something else. I had started to like someone who lived far away and it was hurting me so much not to have him. I thought of all the people who were taken away, all the maybes. I confronted these issues and I got to move forward. I am so whole now.

Although I have already kissed four people this year and I am not sure exactly what went through my head to allow these occurrences. I have decided that from now on, it will mean something. Although it is a pretty awesome sensation, I do not crave it like I once did or miss it just because it has been too long. I think everything will just happen and continue to unravel as it always has.


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