Love

I used to think that love did not exist. I do not like to feel. I do not like emotions. I was shown love in the harshest and worst of ways. Mean words. Physical violence. Unwanted affection. So, yes, I am an attention seeker. I crave to be loved. Although, I understand better now. It is bigger and better than what I had originally conceived. I find love in conversations with strangers, in kind faces and in smiles. I find it in deep and meaningful talks. I do not like to be touched, so for me a hug or any light and jokey expression of affection is love. It is the breaking down of boundaries. It is powerful. It is in the moments of delirium and panic, when you think you alone. Yet, somehow, something gets you through. You laugh again. You smile again. I am open now. I am not closed off to feeling. I know a real love. Not the exploitation and attention I confused once for love. I know how it feels to trust, really trust. Sometimes, I let people hug me. I pull away, because it is unnatural to me. Touch is difficult. Letting people in is disastrous. I am crushed easily. Somehow, I always manage to sew myself back up. There is a whole load that will pour out. It is a pretty simple love. I care so much for others. There is a huge heart here. You will see all my emotions in my transparent eyes. My face may say one thing, but my eyes never lie. That is how I find love. Eye contact is so hard, but sometimes I look into a person’s eyes. I swear I see so deep. Not everyone is a mess of emotions, like me. Some people are straaightforward. I was not designed to be straightforward. I was made for deeper things. I am deeper on so many levels. I may be insanely sensitive, but I am sanely strong. So well put together and my essence runs true. This collection of broken pieces. These imperfections. It is all me. I finally managed to love myself. I managed to fight for what no one else gave me. I did this. I got here, all on my own. One day, when I am ready, my world will be moved. I will keep it together long enough to really love another. I will show them exactly who I am and where my strengths are. All that unspent bottled up love is completely ready. I am holding out for something more. Something greater. Whether it is there or not for me to believe in, does not bother me. I know the loves that do exist. The people I have forever and always, no matter what. I know the truth now and wow, can the truth just set you free.

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