This week has been absolutely brutal. It started with what was a fever. Unfortunately, I was an addict. Therefore, I tend not to take painkillers to reduce a fever. Instead, I let it take over me and consume me. I went through the delirium and all the thoughts that plagued me. It was not simply a fever, but a destruction of my mind. I could no longer distinguish reality and my feelings. Everything became a blur of past, present and future. Only, that I could see no future. There was no positive end for me. There was only an end and I wanted it to come quickly.
I have known for a long time that I am severely emotionally damaged. I check all the boxes. People continually tell me how brave and strong I am, but honestly, I am breaking down inside. I cannot handle it. I am still that small child, who could not understand. Now, I just hide it well. Sometimes, I heal. Sometimes, there is a vicious cycle of damage. More cover-ups. More dysfunction. This week, my brain began to shut down. I was left with hardly anything. Long periods of nothingness. People ask why are you so down or what is wrong. That is it though. Absolutely nothing. I feel nothing. I just sit and think of everything.
Maybe it is an existential crisis. Maybe it is because I lost my faith. Maybe it is because I had my innocence stolen. Maybe it is that I struggle to feel. It could be anything. I really do not know. I just know that I am breaking down. I know myself very well. I can tell that this is far from the norm. I do not want this. I did not ask for this. Yet somehow, I knew. I knew that it was all catching up to me and one day I would not be able to process and keep moving forward. The good news is that although I am broken and I have lost my mind, one is never irreparably broken. We are as indestructible as we believe ourselves to be. Trust me, world. You are not done with me yet. You have screwed me so many times, but I will fight back. No way am I done. I have far more to prove and the more you break me down, the more I will rise up. Just you wait.