Today I finally found the key to the lock to a box which I knew contained a letter I wrote when I was just a child. I read it and was amazed by how much my views had changed. I was positive although it hurt and acceptance really does come with time. Sometimes everything has to fall apart, so that it can come back together more beautifully.
My Darling Father, I love you dearly and I know that you are having fun and looking out for me in heaven. I know that you are there and I know that you still love me very much and I also love you as much as you love me and more. I miss you so much and I wish you had not gone to heaven even though I know that God is looking after you. I promise to continue to talk to you all the time and also to the best God ever who has made good things happen. I wish that you could have been there for me because I need you. You have missed out on so much and you will miss out on so much more but there is nothing that I can do about it. You missed out on all my birthdays (well not all but most) – it is so unfair! I wish you were there – in Paris and I wish I had my father back, but wishing does no good and I have to accept it, that you will never come back, even though I do not want to. It is so unfair!!! I need you so much but I cannot have you back! I hate it! I do not like it at all. I cry almost everyday for you and it does not help. Even when I forget about you, nothing happens. Why could you not have been normal? And not drunk alcohol and not have died? You could have married mum and taught at CH and we would have lived happily ever after! Why not? Why? I am so annoyed I need you dad! Why did you have to die?
P.S. I hate life without you! Come back! Please! Why did you have to die?
I think now, that I know why.