Even once you have escaped the labyrinth, once you have forgiven and believe me it is not an easy thing to do, you still fear the suffering. It has always been in you. You do not know goodness or love. You see it, but you cannot trust it.
I cried in the shower for a long time today. I feel like such a paradox. All humans are supposedly, but some hide it better than others. I struggle to hide mine. It is far too obvious. I want to be close to people, but I do not want anyone to touch me. I want to trust, but I cannot let people in. I want to love, but I am not even sure it exists. There is too little evidence of love in this world. There is only one thing that I can be sure of. Pain will come. Pain always comes.
“perhaps i don’t deserve nice things because i am paying for sins i don’t remember”
I do not know what I did wrong or even where it all went wrong but it did. Something crushed me and hurt me so bad. Something or maybe an accumulation of everything. I do not know. I just know that it hurts. A lot. It probably always will. I feel empty again. Knowing inside that the goodness in you is being taken away, that is hard. Battling every single day with your own mind is unfair.
There is bitterness in me now. Sadness living in places sadness should not live. I do not know what to do. I try to change, but I am angry and bitter. The words: beautiful girl, beautiful life, what have you got to cry about? They burn. So much more than you will ever know. I see the beauty, trust me. That is not the issue. The corruption is the issue. Beauty, innocence – they are never eternal. Someone will always take them away. How is that fair?