Extreme Measures

I operate in extremes. After experiencing large amounts of both pleasure and pain, I think you often reach this stage. I feel deeply. I am an empath. I even feel other people’s emotions. Everything rubs off on me. Everything influences me. Sometimes, it becomes overwhelming and I just stop feeling. I start to shut down. I begin to withdraw. I push people away. Then comes the numbness. There is nothing left. No feelings. Just a massive blurring of thoughts, which I cannot comprehend. I have no idea what is happening around me. My intelligence has left me and I cannot process. I start to just go through the motions.

At this point, I always decide that I have reached my end. I feel myself collapsing, with no idea how to stop it. Then, I turn to extremes. I feel as though I have to. In order to feel, I try everything. I have tried self harm. I have tried love. I have tried drugs. I turned to a God I did not even know existed. I run away. Sometimes, I think I will leave this world. I only exist in the one inside my head after all. The good thing is, when I try all these extremes, I get the feelings back. Unfortunately, they all come at once. The happy and the sad. I never know how to distinguish. It is and continues to be a blur. The ones you love the most are the ones who cause the most pain. You are only angry because you care. They are only angry because they care. One big paradox.

People are judgemental when you tell them. I think it is pure bravery. Doing what you have to do to get through. Pushing yourself to the edge to come back with a clearer perspective. I know my limits. I am intelligent. I am very aware of how not to die. Unfortunately, unlike a lot of people, I can be unaware of how to feel. I battle often with my own head. That is one crazy fight. I win the battles, but I have not yet won the war. That is the process. I feel myself growing. Strength rising. One day, I will get there. I will finally operate on what our society considers a normal level. Whether that is what I really want, I do not know. Just have to see when I get there and continue to do whatever works for me.


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