It is not something I fear or have ever feared. It has always been the easier option, the escape. I worry that I am not loving correctly or enough, because it does not bother me when people die. Death has always been a part of my life and I have learnt that life goes on. I can stop worrying about people once they are dead, because they are safe. No more harm can come to them. Hopefully, they have found peace. The pain is in those who are left behind. That is why I cannot kill myself, I love enough to not want to cause pain.

I have learnt that your views on life after death are extremely important. They will define you and the way you live. I change my views regularly. Not because I am working towards a set goal, but because I want to live without consumption. When I was fascinated with death, I used to try to get close to death, without dying. It was dangerous and not beneficial to life. I was obsessed with getting out of the world for periods of time, through unconsciousness. When I came back to reality, I was saddened and unfulfilled.

When I was a Christian, life after death was simple. Judgement day would come and we would either go to heaven or hell. You were always supposed to work towards heaven, yet all the non-Christian friends I had would not be coming with me. A lot of them were far nicer and more important, so I could not understand why religion would mean an eternity of hell for them. I also could not get my head around my fate. I have sinned far too much, though I may be forgiven, I have not forgiven myself. I find it easy to forgive others and I am trying to get out of this labyrinth.

I have so much understanding for everything that has happened. I am trying to grow as a person, but I am far from perfect. Everything that I have done is a part of me and I do not want to forget that. I begin again often. I like fresh starts. Starting is important. Living is important. If I was to die, I would feel like I had so much. Though there may be things I and others never got to do, this never seems to bother me.

Your views will affect every single thing you do. You may be too reserved or fearful. You could take too many risks. You could speak kindly to everyone you love and never put down the phone without making sure people know how you feel or you could never tell them how you feel. You can bottle things up, you can be hateful or you can be grateful for every single thing. It does not have to be realistic. It just has to be what works for you. Whatever enriches your happiness and enables you to live your life to the fullest. This is all that matters. Other people’s views do not matter. If your views change, it does not matter. You tried it. It worked. When it stopped working, you tried again. Simple, really.

Be inspirational. Start again. That is ok. Just be sure to never stop. I am sure that one day we all will. Our time will come and it will be our own individual endings. It does not matter where we go or what happens to us. Living is the most important. As for losing, it gets better. It always does. Life has this funny way of balancing itself out. Give and take. Ebb and flow. I am scared of losing, but not scared to admit defeat. There is much to gain.


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