Too Many Unanswered Questions

There are some things I do not know how to forgive. I always wondered what life would be like if my dad had not died. Would he have been there to stop my mum from hitting me? Would he have told me he loved me when I came home from school and wanted to hear it so badly? Would I have been told how proud they were of me when I came home consistently with the highest grades in my class? Or was he taken out of my life because he was violent and abusive too? Did I have to grow up with a man who cheated on my mum, making her even more bitter, pushing my sister, my only real hope in our house straight out the door? Why was it so difficult to make friends? All I ever seemed to have were enemies or people who were unimpressed by my love and passion for learning. When I told my mum, she would respond with how it was expected, because I am not a nice person, I am impossible to love and a constant source of blame for pushing all the men out of her life. If not for all this, I would not have been so fooled and wrong when the first people to pay me attention came along and I believed for a second that someone could genuinely like me, when really they were just using me. All this led to was the suffocating, drowning, cutting and overdosing that nearly allowed me to depart from this world. If not for my best friend, the only one who could bring me back by chasing after me or knocking so hard on the door or piercing me with the most genuine screams of tears that spoke of real love. I thank you for all those moments, all those people who came to rescue me, to bring me back. And for my gran – the most incredible, persevering and energetic woman of her age that I have ever met. Sometimes, I do feel as though it was not all worth it; that there are people who have come so much further than me with no need for all the suffering. And sometimes, I hurt so much that I do not know if I can bounce back or if it is possible to forgive when all I really want to do is forget all the heartache and physical and emotional pain which is too difficult to speak of. The very real scars left on my body and the ones placed on my mind, both from myself and from others, which are an embarrassment and make it difficult to be honest and open with people. I feel ashamed and I have so much resentment for everything that has happened, because I never got the chance to grow up and be a child first. I had to grow up without love and the nurturing that a child needs and even now to accept the love that I receive, is not easy. I am learning that this life is everything that Hobbes once described but I have discovered that I am not alone, that I am no less than others and that I deserve love and happiness. When I feel lost, I make discoveries. I realise all the great things that I have to do and learn and that I will be able to take all of my value and strengths and everything that I am worth, but also that I can hold out my weaknesses to grow more, trust more, love more, know more, think more and constantly learn from my mistakes and apply them into my life.


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