When I think about my future and family, I think about adoption. It is something I have always wanted to do. I never wanted my own children. I was too scared of my issues and the example my mother had given. Maybe this is changing now as I heal. I like to think I will one day have both. Adoption has always been extremely important to me.
People often talk about what it must and would be like to not look like your parents. I would not know. I am the spitting image of my mother. I think it is one of the worst things. I feel unable to escape her and I think when she looks at me as the more youthful version of her, she is bitter. I always used to sit and wish I had been adopted. My mother was never intended for parenthood. She should have just given us up. I always thought about the family I could have had. I was privileged and I knew that in the social care system, I may have lost the wealth and status. However, I thought that if I had the love and care, that it would not really matter.
I am glad I was never adopted or taken into the care system. It took a long time and a lot of pain to come to this realisation. If I had gone, my mother may have messed us up a lot less, but I would not have my stepdad. He is pretty incredible. You have to be to deal with her every day. The good thing is, he has no children of his own. He has always had a yearning. He was intended to be a father. So the world, in the way it does, threw us together. The parentless child and the childless parent.
This makes me sure that I will adopt and that adoption will work for me. I have seen the way that humans work and connect. I have seen that love is found in the strangest of places. This is a man, nothing like me in appearance, but who understands my mind. He knows what I go through and he handles it incredibly. He is loving, kind, gentle and only stern when he needs to be. I learnt that trust is a two-sided thing. I let him in and it hurts so much when he lets me down and even more when I am letting him down.
So many people do an excellent job at raising their children and explaining to them why they are different and why other children may ask questions. Children are just children after all. It is not wrong or harmful to be different. So, I am excited to see what will unfold and what life will give me. Ultimately, I cannot wait until I get to love and care for another.