Intimacy

The way intimacy works in my head is so bizarre. You can have my head or my body. I will never give you both. I wish I could, but if I open up and show you my soul, I am far too vulnerable to give you anything else. I usually fall for someone, in the heat of passion and then afterwards I will push them away. I will not speak to them. I am stunted. It all just becomes too hard. I do not want them to know me and then never want me again. So I will not talk.

No one has held me in so long that I am starting to forget what it feels like. I do not know what I crave. I think that maybe it will break me and hurt a lot, especially if it is the right person. It is not the touch I crave, but the way that someone could actually care about me and love me. That is all I need. When I think about the times that I have been with friends, I have often been comfortable. Not at all scared. Protected.

People do not know what to expect from me. I am not your typical case. I am not the expectation you built up in your head. I cannot sleep with you all that easily. Most of the time, I will not want to. I want, more than anything, to be heard. I want to be seen, known and appreciated for me. If I know that you are not the one, then unfortunately I become selective with what I can give you.I cannot give my all. Maybe it is unfair. Often, I have no explanations. It is on me, not you.

I am sorry that this is what the damage did to me. I am working on it. It is not fair on me either. I do not want anyone too close. I cannot be touched. I am so fearful. Perhaps I do not even need to apologise, but it is harder than you think. I often do not know what else to say. I am sorry that I just cannot and have no explanations for you. I will however be grateful if you stick by me through the mayhem whilst I am figuring it out. I am not a user. I will give back. It just takes time.

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