It is not as uncommon as you might think. Yet we struggle so much to talk about it, we label girls with names because of it.
People ask lame and stupid questions:
When was the last time you had sex? Who was it with? I shiver. It has become a part of our culture to discuss things far too casually.
I do not think it should be all that heavy. I think you should be able to say I have been abused, mistreated and hurt but I am ok. Rather than having someone look at you and say that you should be anything less than ok from it, you should find someone who both cares so much and does not care at all. You do not want to think about it all the time or have it consume you. However if someone knows and can say to you, it is not supposed to be that way. Sex is supposed to be enjoyable for both people and I want you to never feel otherwise again and then shows you that, it is pretty remarkable. They do not see anything wrong with you, but rather an opportunity. And it is a rewarding one for both of you.
I never know who I am supposed to talk to. Sometimes, I just want to be held by a friend or someone close to me. It helps stop the shaking and it makes me feel safe, but the people who know are so far away now. It is too challenging to bring it up with someone. It was a long time ago and you know that there will be a lot to explain, but you do not have the answers. You have no way to let people know why you are sad or why you do not want anyone to touch you today. It comes and goes. Sometimes it feels like a form of depression, but the next day you are fine again. How do you tell someone to leave you alone until it passes?
I try to see professionals, but I can never talk about it. Plus, I have a million other issues that can be analysed on a psychological level. I use these as my cover up to deflect from the real story. There are questions I wish I could ask. I feel as though there is something wrong with me. I have been stunted and damaged, right in the middle of my growth. The thing is I do not need therapy. I could give it to myself, I know myself so well and I will happily and proudly tell you my complexes. There are many and they may be an issue, but I like them because they make me.
I have made it this far. It is painful sometimes and it can be hard, no doubt. However, I am here. Sill going strong. I may be damaged and I may never heal, but I will never do nothing with the damage. That is the difference. I do not pour myself out to anyone and everyone. It is pretty hard to do that and not many will believe you. I think I will truly know, when it is the right time. The right person will come along and I will tell them the whole story. They will sit and listen. If they care, tears will roll down from their eyes. It is not fair and I am aware of that. However, I will tell them that I am happy. I have been blessed. There will be a time where I will be looking at someone who loves me enough to let me never feel down again. That is all I need. All I have ever needed.
“So many broken children living in grown bodies mimicking adult lives” – Ijeoma Umebinyuo