I understood quickly, that it could not be you.
You were kind, but confident. A man I knew, a friend.
I was shy, scared, closed off. I wanted a taste of the carefree life.
I wanted to see what it could be like. You were drunk, so was I.
The thing is alcohol does not do to me what it does to other girls.
I do not lose anything. Not my mind or inhibitions.
If anything, I think more. I am on guard. I become more haunted.
And with the haunt, comes the damage and with that the need to undo.
And so I fall into a trap of lust and want. I crave to be normal.
But being fixed, it was not going to come like that.
It was years of damage and pain. I did not want it like that.
I did not cry, although I could have. I did not yell or complain
Or even say anything to you, but you knew to leave it alone.
I was angry in the morning, but I had no words for it.
I felt close to breaking. That is what happens when you let someone
Get so close, but not close enough. I did not give you a chance,
Because chances are not in me, they are not given lightly.
I was upset, I did not understand. I thought I had changed.
And yet, I felt pain. ‘What was the sin?’, I asked myself:
I did not know. I was unsure what was worse.
That I could not, that I did not or that I had wanted to.
I was unable to understand, but I know now.
It was not the right time. It was not the right person.
So I ran back to the quiet one who had waited patiently, tirelessly.
I opened up to him. I told him I was still scared. I could not get rid of the fear.
He told me, it should not be that way. He let me feel again;
Feel good about myself and then he let me go.
He said it was my choice, everything was on my terms. I was empowered.
I was unsure, yet still I trusted enough to come back.
There was no alcohol, no boundaries, no difficulties.
I knew then, this is how it should be. I thought about it with you,
But it was not the same, it could not be. It would not fit.
And yet, I thought about you. You had been unlike all the others.
There was something there. A real rare case. I could not explain.
A connection of two different types. The physical and the emotional.
For me, one person could not be both. One person could never be both.
That is what the abuser teaches you.
I have to remain detached or the feelings will overwhelm me.
One day, I will manage it. I will sleep and have sex in the same bed.
That is my simple, yet profound dream. That is the deep problem at the core of me.
I am unable to trust that much,
But, I am getting better.
I have discovered this incredible person. This developing trust.
This unfolding oracle. A serious talker, yet a serious laugher.
You have brought me a great deal of peace, do you know how amazing that is?