I often wonder what type of parent I would be. Damaged children, you see, are either severely disadvantaged or majorly advantaged. I hope to be the latter. However, I think that this requires reflection.
My mother does not know me. Not even a little bit. She could not tell you my passions or how I spend my time. She could not tell you what or who I love. This is not because I do not talk about it. Trust me, my passions they consume me and when I speak, I find I way to force what I want to into conversation. When I love something, it is not gentle. It radiates out of me and my eyes light up. She just does not listen or does not ask. She wants to hear only what suits her. If she cannot relate, she will not pay attention. Believe me, it hurts.
I want a child, I really do. I thought for a long time that I could not carry the burden of messing up another’s person life in the way my mother has. I did not think I had it in me to be a mother. I always considered myself too damaged to be responsible for someone else.
Actually, I think it is important that I am a parent. I want someone who is not just a soulmate to love. I want to see what good I can do. I want to tell my own how much they are loved every day. I want to give a child opportunities, maybe my own, maybe adopted. It does not bother me, so long as they are raised in a home of love. I want that child to grow up with choices and possibilities. I will not force them into anything that makes them sad and I will push them to pursue what they enjoy. I will guide them until they find what it is and let go when the time is right. I will not be resentful if it is not what I love and I will not say I told you so when it does not work out. I will leave them to explore and watch silently, ready with comforting arms on the difficult days, of which there will be many.
Most importantly, I will teach them what love is. I will never let that child go a day without it and they will not go into this world unable to recognise it. You will not mistake false kindness or trickery for love as I did. I know now that it was not my fault, but my parent’s. I cannot repeat that sin. You will always be important, you will always be heard and if anyone ever tells you otherwise, I will always be there. From the moment you enter my life, it will no longer be about me. It will be us and you will be in my world. I will never overlook you or regret you, no matter how you came about.
I am proud of my path. It has not been easy, but it made me. I do not think it always has to be that way. I will teach you everything I have learnt. I will not use excuses or disguises. When it is appropriate, I will be completely honest with you and I will ask you to be honest with me. I will explain to you that if I cry or yell, it is my flaw, not yours. That is what happens when you are so connected to a person; you hurt when they hurt. I may be disappointed, but I will never be judgemental. There is enough judgement in this world and the last person it should come from is a parent.
I will ensure that we live every moment. That we create memories together. I will follow you in your dreams and every picture, scrapbook or embarrassing thing I do, it may seem as though it is for me, but in many years you will realise that I wanted to show you love. I wanted you to never forget it and I wanted you to always be proud of yourself, because I will be forever proud of you.
One day, I will undo all the wrong that has done to me. I have repaired the hurt. All that is left now is the love I have to give.