I think about my fears a lot. There are many of them and I will admit to being a coward. I like to place an importance on facing my fears. I like to challenge myself.
I often reflect on a situation and try to think where the fear comes from. What was I scared of? Why was I scared? I sometimes think that we are like animals…that fear attracts danger. In my life, I for sure have had more than a fair share of trauma and hurt. I wonder if it is because I am so scared. I am still the small little girl, whose daddy died and mother abused her and men ruined her. I want my innocence back. I did not get to have it for long.
I spent a long time believing in God and I thought that maybe I was always scared that I was never good enough or as good as I could be. I was afraid, because it is in our nature to sin. I always try to be kind to people and I am often selfless. Yet, I always felt that God must be punishing me. There was too much bad all around me and even though the past few years has enabled me to get my strength back, it does not feel good.
I fear people. There are places I will not go, especially not alone. People often call it pathetic. They are not even the dangerous places, but the places that bring back memories of the hurt. The emotional scars are still there. I still remember so clearly, even when I wish I did not. I walk too close to a stranger or even when a person I know touches me, if I cannot see their face, I am terrified. There are times when I am so safe, I feel so loved and it is as though nothing could tear me down. Out in the world, I am mad. Maybe this is not healthy, but it is my default setting. It is how I cope.
I question the things I cannot do, I wonder why. Sometimes, this helps me to overcome it. Other times, I just realise more about myself. I think ultimately, I am afraid of me. I will break if I am not careful. I protect myself and especially my heart. I know that it is sad. I am maybe missing out, but I cannot shake the danger. Even in the kindest faces, I will not place trust. The softest arms and embraces cannot soothe the tears and shaking.
Some nights I wonder if it will ever end. My fears, they all come from within.
Tell me. Help me. How do you shake a danger like that?