“He was supposed to be
the first male love of your life
you still search for him
I do not miss you anymore. You have been replaced now. I have found a love better than yours, but I still remain bitter. You ruined things for me. I cannot trust as easily as I should. I do not love well.
When I was young, I did not understand. Now, as I grow, I fall into toxic relationships. I sit and think, it is because of you. You screwed it up for us. You turned us all into cold, hard shells of people who could not love. My mother never loved me and I want to be able to blame you. Maybe it is my fault, that every time she looks at me, she sees you. I do not know. I have never been able to explain.
Good things have come from this and I know that they will continue to come. I have learnt how to identify toxicity. There are things and people that you do not need. After having no father, I have learnt this. Life can reward you though and it took a while but now I have an excellent caring stepfather who is also a great friend.
I choose to be alone and I will continue to be alone until I find someone worthy of my time. I do not want someone who treats me how my father treated my mother or my mother treated me. I crave to be loved and I hope it will come. I used to mistake so many things for love, because they were engrained in me from such a young age. I am learning, though.
So daddy, it does not matter what you think and it is not about what you would say if you could see me now. It is about what I would think of myself from an outsider’s perspective. It just seems easier to pose the question to an outsider who does not actually exist as though I am posing it to myself. All that is important is the reflection of myself and my actions. I like to think ‘would I be friends with me?’ and ‘could I love me?’. If the answer is no, then it is time for some changes.
So goodbye daddy, I am letting you go.