Last night, the most incredible thing happened. It has been a long time and I knew that eventually it would or should happen and it finally did.
For a long time, I have not be able to sleep solidly and consistently throughout a night. I always go to sleep for only a few hours and I am awake so early. It is said that we all dream. I have not been able to remember a dream since I was incredibly young. Sometimes, I wonder if am jealous of people who can remember their dreams. I often find myself caught up in a conversation of people discussing their dreams and I think I wish that was me. Honestly, all I remember are the semiconscious thoughts that I can manipulate as I am drifting into or out of sleep.
Many say that I do not remember as a coping mechanism, that the day is hard enough for my mind so at night it blocks out the bad. Maybe it is because of the way my mind works. I am a visual learner with an almost completely accurate photographic memory. This leaves me fearful that I could dream about anything that has ever happened, because I still remember it. All of it. Sometimes I am grateful to my mind for protecting me in this way.
I read of a girl who had not remembered a dream for years and she woke up distinctly remembering things, places and people even though she could not tell the story of her dream, she was fairly sure that thoughts were coming back to her from her sleep.
Last night, I was peaceful. I slept through the night and when I woke up the sun was up. There had been no distress, concern or worry to torment me and stop me sleeping. The strangest part was that when I woke up, I had thoughts that I had not put there. Faces that I had never seen before, places that I have never been to. They were beautiful and magical and I thought to myself, maybe I dreamt them and it brought a smile.
Maybe I am healing. Maybe I too, will be able to share a dream next time I am with my friends. Maybe it will be a good one and not words I am too afraid to share.