Sometimes, I worry about myself. I do not want to change anything and I definitely am aware of who I am. Yet, sat here, I still do not know if I could spell it all out. This is not because of the pain and hurt – believe me, I deal and am dealing every single day. I know that I am stronger than ever, but the world changes to you when you realise the wrong and the harm. When you realise that you were just a child, born with innocence and it did not take long for the world to take that away from you. Everyone’s pain is so different and maybe there is some beauty in that. However, to grow up without love and taking so long to discover the reality of abuse tends to be a problem.
I do not want to be forever alone, but I just cannot bring myself to incorporate another person into this painful and hellish existence. On my own, I deal pretty amazingly and then another person makes you feel different to such an extent that you become unsure of yourself and what you want. My mental health consistently prevails until the point when I let someone in, let someone else consume my thoughts because there is so much judgement there. I wish I still believed. I wish God could be the answer and the only one I needed. I wish this world had not made me this cold.
It is rare though, finding people who understand, finding love, when you do not even know what it looks like or should be. To be this desperate for some kind of love, for acceptance or understanding or even just the attention – that is the real pain. It is not the past that wrecks you, it is the being so broken that you are completely unable to love yourself, it is the constant judgement, the always craving to be wrong that leads to you accepting everyone around you even when you know that they are. It is the maturity and pain that comes from a decrease in anger and a greater understanding for others.
I know that I am angry and I can be extremely unhappy, but believe me there are reasons. An anger like that, it does not go in a few seconds. It is a frustration so deep that you lose all the reasons there are to live. None of it will end you. None of the hurt puts an end to it, but you wish it did and you try over and over, only to realise that you have become too strong. So strong in fact that you cannot end. Your worth is so much greater than that. Your power and value come from within and are at the very core and essence of you.
And so you carry on.