Very First Time

I am sitting outside

In a familiar place

And I can say

Quite honestly

That I feel different.

I can say that

It is quiet here

As though I

Have found peace.

I will be ok and

The crazy thing

Is I actually

Believe it this time,

Maybe for the

Very first time.

Advertisements

Karma

Karma is your alarm going off

In the middle of your performance

Instead of somebody else’s.

It’s having an old lover come over

Then him not being able to stay hard

When just one week before you

Left another guy lying there hard

All night whilst you slept beside him

Cause you thought you’d sorted him

But apparently you’re just that hot

That he couldn’t get over it –

But why don’t you call me beautiful

Instead of hot or sexy or spend

Longer kissing me before you

Make your way down my body,

Because maybe then I’d feel more

Special and let you stick it in.

Why do you come over to talk

About words and poetry but never

Read to me or write about me

When I’m always considering you,

Feeding you what you’d like to hear

(Or maybe not, how would I know)

Since I’m vulnerably honest but I know

I’ll never perform with you there

Because that would make me more

Nervous than my alarm going off

In the middle of my performance

Because I like you a lot, but

Karma’s a bitch, if you didn’t know

And I haven’t been that nice so

Look now how I’m lost in a crush.

Does it get easier?

I got asked if it ever gets easier. All that I realised is that I was last upset just today. I do cry but the thing is you realise that there is more shit than good in the world. You learn that with time it stops hurting simply because it becomes replaced by something else that hurts more. Life does not have the time to stop or slow down for any of us, it just keeps moving forward, whether we are ready to move with it or not and as it carries on we realise that you are growing away from whatever it was that was hurting you in the first place even though you are maybe hurting even more from something else, but sometimes it could me something smaller and easier to deal with.

Although sometimes, you trace it all back with more and more becoming triggered. I try not to sit and dwell on the past these days, because we need to work on our ability to forgive rather than going over it and knowing that we will never forget because the pain and memories are even more clear than we thought they might be. I have resolved myself to keeping some things close to my heart inside and pushing some to the back and darkest parts of my brain. Both kinds will resurface in their own way but we realise that over time we are more well equipped to recognise and deal with the challenges that come our way.

Whether it is loss, grief, heartbreak, defeat, self-loathing or a crime of some kind. I only know one thing for sure: It might not always get better but it does get easier.

My opinion of you

My opinion of you is pretty simple,

I sit thinking of you as hours pass

And I know that you mean

Something different to the last.

Life changes sometimes in

Mysterious ways

And knowing I could not be here

Makes me want to change my ways.

So thinking of you,

I think about compatibility,

Chemistry and other important

Characteristics to me.

Because it’s important to know

What you want, it makes

The searching easier and

Your feelings grow more fond.

But it hurts me bad when

I know you don’t feel the same

Cause thinking of me,

You hardly see my brain,

You only notice the shell,

The looks that are fleeting,

So I begin to think that we

Ought to not keep meeting,

Because beauty is found

Far deeper within and

You don’t get to use me

Like all the others did.

Don’t look at me that way,

Don’t talk to me so crude,

I’m saying it cause of self-respect,

Not because I’m a prude.

My opinion of you, that I thought

Was simple,changes quickly with

Every moment that I’m sat

Thinking of you.

Recovery

It is funny how things play out, you might think it is a disaster and nothing will fall back into place but then they surprise you. Things are not always as they seem, like an accident could not possibly be a blessing in disguise, but I think maybe mine was. Being suicidal is this funny, unexplainable thing that you really have to experience to understand. Then suddenly, I was hit by a car and everything changed. I realised how much I valued my life. I realised there were people I missed that I wanted to see more of and people that I had not let know their importance.

The reason I feel blessed is because I have reconnected with family, managed to leave a job I hate and see who really is and is not there for me in terms of my close friends. I think I realised for the first time how much I genuinely value myself and this body that I live in. I have stopped feeling inadequate and started to appreciate the fact that I get to still be here and have so much still to give. I feel blessed that my recovery has not been as challenging as I thought it might me and the support around me has been plenty.

Regardless of what it is that you are trying to work your way around and recover from, I think it is always a similar journey. You do not always succeed straight away, regardless of what part of your body has been damaged; your mind, your heart, your soul or your frame.  Getting into a positive frame of mind has been surprising for me, because it is not an aspect of myself that I have ever really known or embraced. But it is here now and I plan to hold on to it and keep working and fighting towards my goals.

“Recovery: It will be challenging. It will also be worth it. You will relapse and that’s ok, as long as you keep fighting.”

My accident

Life is shook sometimes, it may not always be

A tsunami, an earthquake or a natural disaster

But could be a loss or defeat of some kind

That makes you look back and reflect a lot after.

For me, it was a car, that I did not see,

It shook me hard, left me lying there still conscious

And I’ve been through some stuff in my life

But suddenly it all just seemed like nonsense.

When your precious human life gets threatened,

You need to put it all into perspective;

Your depression, your mood swings, your stitch-ups,

Maybe meditate a little and do some other things reflective.

 

When you open your eyes, you realise it’s time to learn,

Whether it be learning again how to walk

Or sitting back to reflect a little on what you

Ought to say before you open your mouth to talk.

Because sometimes this life can tend to surprise you,

But it knows that all the challenges it sends

Are ones you can overcome with strength,

Even if its the ones that make your bones bend.

It’s simple sometimes, just a rod and some screws

And you’re on the mend to getting back to be you,

But sometimes you’re at rock bottom, stuck in your

Own mind, not realising that you can make it through.

 

Look at me, standing here still, whatever happens to hit you,

A car or depression, life knows that you can make it through.

Unblocked…

Having missed the first TCFT, due to my financially messy life and trying to squeeze in as many shifts as possible when finding out about the event, I was surprised at how much this second session meant to me. You see, amongst all my craziness in life of feeling low and struggling and pushing through, I was hit by a car whilst trying to safely get me and my drunk sister home from her idol, Beyoncé’s concert. This meant a lot of blood, an ambulance, stitches, a chipped tooth and a broken femur. The last of which being the last realised, but the most impactful, in so many ways. Having gone through surgery, I realised I would be staying in hospital until I was back up on my feet which meant cancelling my plans, for what was going to be an extremely busy week. However, when residing myself to the fact that there was a lot that I could not do, I decided to focus on that which I could do and this, for me, became getting of the hospital by Friday, Saturday at the latest so that I could attend TCFT on the Sunday.

So every day became its own little challenge of first sitting, then standing, then taking a step, then walking with a frame then crutches then learning how to climb up and down stairs and I had my goal in sight. So I paced myself, stayed motivated and worked hard towards my goal and though it was not easy, it was so worth it. Just two days after leaving the hospital, I managed to get my self up, smash down all the social anxiety and awkwardness I had in my mind and make my way to join fellow creative minds at the poetry prescribed workshop. I felt nervous, still getting used to my crutches, with obvious scars and a limp, but also as I no longer consider myself a writer, having not written anything substantial or interesting in a very long time. It was a year since I had even made an attempt at a poem. So I really thought I would end up standing out in more ways than one.

I think I had done myself some good, however, having attended a few spoken word events and been inspired, but busy. Then it almost seemed planned somehow that I was lying in a hospital bed with a clear mind and a lot of time on my hands, because it almost seemed as though I was ready to not just give life a second shot, but also my thoughts, my words and my ideas. So being given a real chance to sit down with others, in a safe place and put pen to paper, feeling well informed as well as in the right place both physically and mentally.

I found the atmosphere, vibe and discussion so helpful to really get all the cogs turning in my brain. I was happy, really genuinely happy and felt a huge sense of achievement in myself to have made it and managed to sit through the entire day. I found all the information in the pack so useful and easy to relate to, in so many ways and felt encouraged and reassured by the sharing of experiences, reservations, thoughts and feelings. Delving straight into the mind of those you do not know rather than the superficial facts of where they are from, how old, what they do etc. I find it so much more rewarding and insightful to ask the bigger questions about belief, sadness, memories and what brings joy.

I managed to produce two pieces of what I think classify as poetry. One, just free verse inspired by some prompt words and the discussion we had throughout the day. The other, a blackout poem, something which I had never done before and found a little challenging since the piece of literature I was given was on golf and I was determined not to write a poem about that. I surprised myself as well by staying for the sharing portion of the day as I had planned to use my injury to duck out early as it had been a lot and I was in desperate need of rest, but I was persuaded to stay. It had felt slightly strange and somewhat difficult to share what I had written with a group of three others, but having done it once and been encouraged to share with a larger group, in a comfortable, seated setting, I felt I had a lot to gain and a lot less to lose.

So I managed it: I got to be proud and free. Coming home, I realised that I was both unblocked and unafraid. I had been there attending these events, becoming inspired and yet continuing to come home and not put pen to paper or possibly even dare to imagine myself up on a stage. Yet, having been a little shaken up and a massive shift of perspective, I really did feel I had a lot less to lose and felt a lot braver. So, I have begun writing again, both prose and poetry and I hope soon to be able to walk, not limp, up on stage. I really could not have done it without the support, hope, excitement, anticipation and participation of an event like TCFT Croydon. Definitely looking forward to the next event especially as it will be the final one, full of epic people and content.

Trust

I am realising now that I have been putting my trust in completely the wrong places. I have lost so many people from my life lately that I am in a real crisis as to whether this is a pattern I am facing. I have come out of relationship in which I really gave my all and placed my heart in someone else’s hands and attempted to build back my trust in men. I really thought it was a wise thing to do having worked on myself and my self esteem for a very long time. I had developed friendships with guys and become close to my stepdad allowing me to put myself into a position where I thought I could let someone in, both intimately and romantically.

Right now, it seems as though I am screwed again. I am spreading myself too thin only giving myself in one way or another; either my body or my mind but I don’t know how I will be able to give both again. It was one of the most difficult things I managed to do and to recover and rebuild after this is gonna be hard. I find it so easy to tell people about me but not connect with them in person or to meet up with people but keep myself a total mystery. I don’t know when I will be able to look at myself as a whole again now that I am in so many pieces.

I have lost the relationship I built with my stepdad and now find it so difficult to speak to him and reach out when I need it. It feels as though his relationship with my mother always means that we will never be that open with one another. I lost my best friend when he finally got the girl of his dreams and went off travelling with her not to be heard from again. I lost my boyfriend when he realised how screwed up I am and couldn’t deal with the emotional, suicidal person in front of him. I tried to be strong and confident but it was so difficult to maintain when I felt as though everything was crushing around me and I felt like this massive unwanted burden.

I don’t feel like myself anymore. I am not confident or strong or whole – even if it was all just a front before, then its gone. I feel so many things right now that it is unreal. I am heartbroken and hurt and lonely and falling apart over and over. I believed the people that said they would always be there for me and I allowed myself to become vulnerable only to be let down over and over. I wish I can a crystal ball sometimes or a way to touch a person’s hand and be able to tell what my future with that person looks like because at the moment it seems as though I am wrong every single time and it hurts so damn much.

Face2Face

I just watched a film that was nothing that I expected it to be. Recently, I have seen so many films and TV shows beginning to address real issues. People have begun to speak out more and more and that is encouraging scriptwriters to do the same. Childhood and teen shows are no longer artificial, superficial perfect storylines; there are raw and real. Mental health and suicide are continuously being looked at in terms of LGBT, bullying and parenting. We are seeing more and more of what is wrong in this world coming out.

This film further outlined and spoke to me about the fact that social media and technology is no bad thing. It was about the relationship between two people via video calling. It showed how you can reconnect with people that you thought were lost, who you might never see again. A guy discovering his sexuality with no one to talk to and a girl living a different life in public to the one at home. One person reaches out and suddenly, you are not alone in this world. You have a reason to carry on. A reason to live. You have someone that you can talk to, day in and day out.

I realised that everyone has a story to tell. Everyone is desperate for something. That is why it is so important to be kind. To listen to the needs of others. To never attack people from behind a computer screen by saying things that you would never say to someone’s face. So many people are mean and hurtful for no reason. We are so quick to judge, before putting ourselves into somebody else’s shoes. We turn a blind eye over and over again to the evil in this world. We forget about the men who would hurt their own daughters, the parents who cannot accept their sons sexuality, the kids that will say mean things about someone just because they are different and the ones who are so often left crying themselves to sleep.

I am appreciative for films like this one. I am appreciative for anything that gives me that glimmer of hope. That shows me the light at the end of a very dark tunnel. Sometimes I am very depressed and I am unsure why or how to overcome it. I stay under my duvet, not wanting to face the world. Sometimes, you just put on a random selection for background noise and find it is exactly what you needed to encourage you to continue with your day. To be strong. To be hopeful. To believe that good things are coming.

New Year, Same Me

As the new year approaches, I suppose I have come to realise that I do not wish for a fresh start or a clean slate. I am incredibly proud of the person I have become this year and all the obstacles I overcame. This year has taught me more than I ever thought possible and I feel more mature and hopeful than ever. Upon reaching the end of this year, I see that I do have a future and it may even be a good one. I do not wish to change or undo this person I have become or the insight that this journey has given me. I simply know now that we must go through the darkness to really appreciate the light. So although my year may have started out as an extremely bleak one and descended into the darkest period of my entire life, I am no longer in the dark. I am in a place of new discoveries, kindness, where good things happen and dreams may even come true. Despite the way that the festive season made me feel, rehashing old memories and feelings, I had the mental strength, capacity and support to overcome the negative and stay hopeful. So this new year, I suppose I am setting a goal for myself to be the person I have become and not be that person that I was ever again. I like this one a lot more and I believe others do also. So I hope this inspires you to think about the changes you would like to see, because maybe there are none. Maybe you have come further than you could have ever possibly imagined so I would say hold onto that. There is nothing bad about progress, no matter how small or slow and it certainly does not matter when.